I used to live in a small town, and once a year a local club there would put together a ‘community’ yard sale, where everyone was supposed to hold their garage/boot/rummage sales on a set day. As I had a lot of stuff in the house I needed to get rid of, I foolishly decided to participate.
One of the first things you need to know is that yard sales are not for the faint of heart. First of all, no matter how early you schedule your sale, there will be people there at least two hours ahead of time. For example, my sale was advertised to start at 8:00 a.m. At precisely 6:02 a.m., I awoke to the sound of someone pounding on my front door. I managed to stagger downstairs to have the following conversation:
ANNOYINGLY CHEERFUL BARGAIN HUNTER: Hi! Says here in the paper you have a yard sale on today!
ME: Grnfhughth…
ACBH: Yes! I just thought I’d come early to see if there was anything good!
ME: Hgnndiurnrf? [Pointing]
ACBH: A misprint?! You mean it’s at the house next door?!
ME: Burthnufgh…
ACBH: Right then! I’ll just go see what they’ve got, shall I?!
ME: Zzzzzzz….
The next step in holding a yard sale is actually putting your stuff out on the lawn. As yard sale stuff tends to be the kind of thing you keep in storage, this can be a dangerous process. I was attacked by at least six falling boxes, and I disturbed a particularly vicious gang of dust bunnies. Fortunately, I was packing a tape dispenser gun, and managed to get away with only a minor flesh wound.
After you get everything outside, you need to price things. This can mean a thousand agonizing decisions. For instance, do I price the Thigh-O-Matic, for which I paid just three easy instalments of $49.95, at 50 cents or a dollar? And what about those little snow-filled paperweights? Pre-sale rumours had them in scarce supply. Do I price them at a quarter apiece to increase my margins?
Of course, the most important thing about pricing is to remember to use waterproof ink. This is because the moment you have everything out and labelled, the heavens will open up and it will pour rain. And possibly hail.
This will not deter professional yard salers, however — these expert shoppers come prepared for any weather. You can identify them by their all-season coats, comfortable walking shoes, super-sized tote bags, and the change-dispensing money clip they wear on their belt.
Thanks to advances in technology, many of them now also use special apps to help them track important statistics like how many years in a row you’ve put out that large velvet Elvis painting your Aunt sent you. (I suspect they use these stats to predict when you’ll finally offer to pay them to take it off your hands, at which point they’ll probably resell it on eBay for $1000).
Many other interesting characters show up at yard sales. For example, there was the 300 lb. biker, complete with long hair and tattoos, who went — I swear — straight for the tiny decorated egg that opened up to reveal a soft-eyed bunny rabbit.
There was one lady who seemed very keen to make sure that I really wanted to part with what I called the World’s Butt-Ugliest Teapot. Asked me three separate times if I was sure. This must mean that I will shortly see her on the TV program Antiques Roadshow, where it will turn out the teapot is vintage Welsh Gaudy and worth half a million dollars.
And of course, it being a small town, I saw several people carrying several items that I know I sold to other people the year before.
Was it worth the effort? I don’t know yet. I dropped the tape gun in the money box and I still haven’t gotten everything unstuck. However, next time I think I’ll play it smart and just sell coffee … to all those people banging on my door at 6 a.m.