If you ever thought that setting up a house for the first time was a costly and complicated affair, wait until you try setting up an office.
As you know, in one of my many other lives, my husband and I used to run a editing and proofreading business. When we expanded, part of the plan — the easiest part, we thought — involved getting more office space.
First, we had to find a suitable location, and this meant we had to learn a new language, Realtorspeak. It took us a while but we finally learned the definitions of these terms:
LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION: Retail per square foot rates you can’t afford.
LOADS OF POTENTIAL: Needs more than just a paint job. Indeed, you’ll need to repair plumbing, wiring, heating, cooling, the walls, and the ceiling before you can even think about painting.
WHY PAY RENT? OWN IT! Because you really want building maintenance issues on your “to do” list while also managing your business.
We finally found a good deal and a great landlord. Then it was time to work out our connections.
TELEPHONE SERVICE: Thank you for signing up with RingaDing Telephone. A technician will be out between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. for the hook-up.
ME: Um, okay, on what day?
TS: Between Monday and Wednesday.
ME: Uh, can you be more specific?
TS: No.
CABLE SERVICE: Thank you for signing up with Bigwire Internet. A technician will be out between 8 a.m. and 6 p.m.
ME: Sigh. On what day?
CS: Between Wednesday and Friday.
Thus began a very productive week of standing around at the new office, waiting. I say standing because of course we had not had a chance to get any furniture. And with no Internet or telephone connection, it’s not like we could make use of our time either online or catalogue shopping. Incidentally, we have 653 ceiling tiles and 58,857 brown flecks in our carpet.
I can also offer you the following tips on office setup: A) Never, ever, nip out to the bathroom while waiting for utility hook-up technicians, as the two minutes you are gone will be when they show up and completely IGNORE THE NOTE YOU LEFT TO TELL THEM TO WAIT. Not that I’m bitter or anything. And B) Keep the windows open after new carpet installation, because carpet glue makes you very, very high. Did I mention how absolutely beautiful brown carpet flecks can be, especially when the light hits them just so?
At last we were connected, and we were able to place our order for furniture and supplies. This was also lots of fun because while the supply company was more specific about when they’d arrive… they also managed to show up two hours earlier than scheduled.
The good news is that the building manager happened to be on site and let them into our office. The bad news is that when we arrived there was a rather large heap of desks and boxes just inside our front door. This meant we had to go get mountain climbing gear just to work our way in to unpack.
This was also when we discovered just how much we take our current office setup for granted. For instance, we knew we’d need box cutters for opening parcels, so we ordered some. But then we couldn’t get into our boxes… because the box cutters were inside. Car keys you say? I thought so too, only to discover that in recent years packing tape has apparently been upgraded with titanium fibres. Know a good place to get new keys cut?
We are now in the process of hiring additional staff. We have discovered there are actually three kinds of applicants:
1) Those who send out resumes for any position (“Hi, I am a Class Six licensed welder and would make a great addition to your proofreading company.”)
2) Those who think they’re qualified for your position (“hi, i am applying to, be a proofreeder for your company”)
3) Those who actually might be a good candidate.
Of course, pretty soon we’ll have to start paying for all of this… and that’s going to be even less fun than we’ve already had.
>Brilliant.. I loved that column very much… and it reminded me of own experiences….Raphael.
>Love the columns, care to trade links?http://www.internettoughguy.blogspot.com/
Glad you are back to sending emails!! Thanks!!!
Laughing, how typical.
Good see you back, have missed your unique sense of humor.
Once again, I had to wait to drink my coffee until after I read your column. You never cease to make me laugh until I can’t breathe!!! Thanks for sending out the e-mails. I needed my fix. 🙂
I don’t have a website and I’m not on Facebook, but I LOVE your columns!
–Liz
Wondered where you went, young lady! My wife and I really enjoy your columns. She is computer illiterate by choice so I print them out for her. Yeah, it takes about four limbs out of the rain forest each year, so sue me. As a result of being a cop for thirty years I don’t venture onto “Social” networks. I’ve found they all could be named “Perverts ‘R’ Us.” I realize that only a small percentage our population is twisted….but they’re all on the internet. Anyways, glad you didn’t leave us “UN”social types behind.
I have missed your extremely good humor. Glad you are back. Hope you are enjoying your new office!!
Really enjoy all your columns, and your delightful sense-of-the-obvious humor. My Canadian sister recently had a similar experience setting up a new store location, and I remember back to my own days of setting up a graphic design business with my father in 1975…and things haven’t changed at all!
Like others, I’m not on Facebook or Twitter or Second Life, so I’m glad your available again by email. And I’ll continue to enjoy your work, whenever you can spare the time away from business & family matters. You have a devoted following here in Columbus, OH, USA and I usually forward your stuff to my relatives & friends around the globe.
Let us know if you ever get into contributions or donations to offset the costs (though that would require more regular submissions, to which you may not be able to commit at this time.) You should be in the newspapers, as I think you’re far better than Dave Barry.
Also feel free to plug the family business anytime, and my thanks to your significant other for sharing you with us.
So happy you’ve changed your mind as I’ve really missed your emails!
Welcome back.
Never given a feedback before, been reading your columns for years! missed ya (all smiles)
You have been missed. Keep up your good Canadian sense of humour.
Lots of luck from Eastern Ontario.
I cast my vote along with those who are glad you are back on email, I have missed your unique humor.
Chandra, this is a nice coincidence to get an email from you today. I live in America, the United States of, you know, to your south. My oldest daughter, Sarah, and her family moved to Canada, Red Deer, Alberta. The moving van was unloaded last Thursday. If you have any words of wisdom, some humor also helps, on setting up their house it would be greatly appreciated. Love your work. Was very nice seeing your picture in (on?) Facebook.
Good to have you back Chandra. Missed you. Loved this post. You put the smile back in my face,as always.
Glad you’re back! You’d been gone so long that I was concerned it wasn’t you but rather the hacker who sends out weird stuff to get you to give it all your info. What a relief that it really was you and you’re really up and running again! Thanks!
Ditto to above, I would not have faintest idea about accessing facebook, so an e-mail with a link here is very good. Also I have a son, who would make a great addition to your company, alas he does not have a class six welder licence and we live in Australia, but he fulfils your other criteria.
Din not you live in winnapeg several months ago? Glad to see you back. Yoru humor is dry, and welcome. I get a grinn about the idea of moving into a new office.
Can’t add much to what’s already been said about missing your unique brand of humor. Good writing is rare — good humorous writing even more so. Please keep it up – and enjoy your new office space!
‘Missed your columns and often wondered if you had been drafted and sent out on one of those NATO missions to humour the suicide bombers. I actually burst out laughing where you had written about the waiting around time. That woke up my permanent guest friend who came to stay with me six years ago only for the time till he finds a job. He has a sleep disorder; he only wakes up to eat and go to the bathroom. By the way, my friend plans on applying for the position of CEO in your company and will be sending you resume within the next six years. Please do not disappear again without leaving a trace. He will be terribly disappointed.