It sent shockwaves around the world. A sense of blind panic crept into homes everywhere. It was an announcement that shook the very foundations of society as we know it.
What? You missed it? Let me fill you in then: A very fancy winery announced that it was considering screw tops instead of corks for its entire line of products, not just the ones they flogged at the grocery store.
The company didn’t mean to stir the grapes of wrath, honest. Indeed, it’s considering new bottle stops for several very good reasons: 1) They’re cheaper, 2) Consumers have long complained about the little floaty bits in their glasses, 3) New materials, like plastics and metals actually do a better job at preserving wine and finally, 4) Three out of four cork trees support the move. (The fourth was too busy being made into a bulletin board to register an opinion).
Nevertheless, the news has stunned oenophiles (defined as: people who like grouping vowels together for no apparent reason), and sent would-be oenophiles (defined as: people who really wish they knew how to spell oenophile) into fits of worry. This is because there are lots of people who know very little about wine, but like to pretend they know by using the following scale:
Big Price Tag + Cork: A sure thing.
Small to Medium Price Tag + Cork: Might impress the neighbours.
Screw Top: Something you buy and hide at the back of the fridge.
Bottle in a Paper Bag: Something you buy after really bad news.
Mouthwash: Needed for the morning after the bottle in the paper bag.
Why do they depend on such a scale? Because over the years, wine has become an important status symbol. It is associated with things like money, dignity, good taste and refinement. A brief review of the wine-making process will demonstrate why that is:
Step 1: Grapes are taken off a vine, thrown into a vat, and stepped on by large men with bare feet.
Step 2: The juice is put in large oak barrels that never get washed and allowed to rot for several years.
Step 3: The stuff is then put in bottles and allowed to rot some more.
Step 4: Experts judge the quality of the wine by taking some of it into their mouths, swishing it around and spitting it out again.
Obviously, with that kind of process behind it, no one wants to make any silly mistakes when it comes to choosing wines.
The situation is made worse by the fact that you are expected to chose a good name, a good year and a good match for the food you’re eating. This is where it gets really complicated. For example, if you’re a vegetarian, do you pair white wine with parsnips and red wine with tomatoes? And what on earth do you do when it comes to a tossed salad?
Meat-eaters also have a tough time of it in today’s world of international cuisine. A friend of mine recently dined out on — I swear — crocodile ravioli in macadamia nut sauce. All I can say to that is: whatever the sommelier is being paid in that restaurant, it’s not enough. (Also: I hope the chef gets hazard pay!)
Even if you do get an acceptable match on all three counts, you’ll still have to pass the ultimate test: describing the taste of the wine. It is of course, a major faux-pas to suggest that wine tastes like, erm, grapes. No, you have to use words like: earthy, cigarbox, peppery, and even ‘foxy.’ Personally, if I found a wine that tasted “foxy,” I’d suggest that the winery needs to contact their local animal control office. Then I’d go find that bottle of mouthwash.
My all time favourite wine tasting description was for a chardonnay (a white wine). It was high-scoring, and apparently tasted like “cat pee and pencil shavings.” Because nothing says fine dining like something that reminds you of a kitty litter box.
At any rate, as you can see, wine is a confusing and complicated business, and it’s no wonder people are objecting to something that changes things yet again. Indeed, all over the world right now, wine lovers are firmly, but politely saying: “Please! Stuff a cork in it!”