A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, people used to spend a lot of time doing phone pranks. Someone, usually a kid with too much time on his hands, would call random numbers and ask “is your refrigerator running?” If you replied yes, the comeback was “well, you’d better go and catch it!” Cue laughter and the hang up.
This trend ended some time ago because:
- We don’t use phones for calling people anymore. They’re for texting, game playing, shopping, and watching videos, but calls? Blech.
- All the pranksters switched to posting “life hacks” on TikTok.
- Far too often, the answer to the question is “no.”
Appliances used to last for years. Decades even. They were an investment. They were something to get super excited about on The Price is Right.
Now the life cycle of an appliance goes something like this:
The Research Phase
You and your partner decide it’s time to get a dishwasher. You start researching, beginning with the brand names you grew up with. You’re dismayed to find half of them don’t exist anymore. You pick a brand and search through their website, growing increasingly suspicious of the perfect five-star reviews of every product. You check some retailer site reviews of the same products and find they’re all 2.5/5 or lower. You decide to check out another brand. Rinse (ha!) and repeat.
The Research Phase Part II
After six weeks of scrolling through thousands of supposed buyer reviews, you’re more confused than ever. The dishwasher you kind of like is either the best most awesomest thing ever to grace the face of the earth or it’s a piece of crap that should be dragged outside and shot. You decide to turn to a well-known mainstream publication that used to have trustworthy product reviews. You start feeling more confident when you find a ratings guide for middle to high end models. Your confidence falters when you realize that some of the reviews praise features that don’t exist on the dishwasher, including a light sabre rinse button and a bicycle drying function. You realize the site you used to love is now filled with AI-generated goo.
The Research Phase Part III
You give up on reviews and start trying to figure out what features you can get at a price that won’t require a second mortgage.
“Honey, do we need a nano-ultra-particle-expungenation-regulator?”
You develop an eye twitch.
The Purchase Phase
You head down to a store I’ll call Okayest Purchase. You spent half an hour searching for a member of the Meek Squad, and hand them the brand and model number of the device you want. You mention, with no small amount of trepidation in your voice, that the website said it was available in store. THIS store.
“We don’t have it in stock.”
“But the website—”
“We don’t have it in stock.”
You pinch the bridge of your nose with a red and chapped dishpan hand. “What are my options?”
“You can drive to… Tuktoyaktuk which is the nearest location that has one in store. Or we can order it in.”
“How long—”
“Six weeks.”
You agree to order it in.
The Checkout Phase
“Would you like to be in our rewards program?”
“… our instant message update service?”
“…our newsletter?”
“…to follow us on Instagram?”
“…on Facebook?”
“…on Discord?”
“Did I ask you about our rewards program?”
“Will you buy buying the Single Tier Extended Warranty?”
“Can I interest you in the Double Tier Green-Starred Extended Warranty?”
“Would you consider the Tri-Ultimate Extended Warranty with an espresso shot, extra foam and cinnamon sprinkles?”
“That’ll be $3503.95. With that rewards program you turned down, that could have been $3501.94.”
The Waiting For Delivery Phase
Eight weeks and twelve follow up calls later, the dishwasher arrives and is installed.
The Honeymoon Phase
You enjoy 2.5 months of sparkling, clean dishes.
The Beginning of the Downward Spiral Phase
Six minutes after putting on the breakfast dishes, you smell burning plastic. You shut everything down, pull out all the dripping wet cutlery and determine that a single oat flake has found a way through the poorly manufactured filter, and has jammed a moving part. You spend three hours researching the error code flashing on the door panel, two of which were lost to horrified fascination because you stumbled on a conspiracy site claiming that faulty dishwashers were the work of ALIENS and the PROVEN cause of the fall of the Roman EMPIRE!!!! It takes a cup of tea and two biscuits before you’re able to think in lower case again.
You finally find a YouTube video that suggests that the code means that the impeller is fried. You can’t fix it yourself because the mechanism housing can only be opened with a proprietary tool called a fubar. Trembling, you reach for the phone…
The Service Call Phase
After enduring 876 loops of Bach’s Tocatta and Fugue (Alvin and the Chipmunks extended version) because the call centre was “experiencing higher than average call volumes” you finally get a live human being.
You mention the error code several times, the word impeller many times, and they assure you someone will be out as soon as possible to deal with the issue.
“How long—”
“Six weeks.”
Waiting for Godot Phase
You book the day off work because the service person is scheduled to arrive “at some time between 9-5.” They show up at 5:50, which is roughly about the time you’d be getting home from your job.
Service dude takes 30s with the dishwasher and announces “It’s the impeller.”
Your other eye develops a twitch.
“Yeah, this is a known issue,” service dude goes on. “I’ve had eight of these call outs this week already, and it’s only Tuesday.”
A faint glimmer of hope enters your soul. “So you have the part in your truck?”
“Nah,” says the service dude. “I’ll have to special order it.”
“How long—”
“Six weeks.”
The Honeymoon Pha—
You get the part replaced. You enjoy 1.5 months of sparkling, clean dishes before you smell burning plastic again.
Your soul develops a twitch.
Coda
But seriously folks… we laugh, because otherwise we might cry at this colossal waste of time, money and resources. Because this doesn’t just happen with dishwashers, it’s the same story with everything. It’s costing us huge chunks of our time (our lives!) and it’s destroying the planet. It’s time we started pushing back hard on this nonsense. I’ve written a new book that details exactly how you can begin to do that. Outside Canada, you can preorder at your favourite retailer. In Canada, the book will be available from Turns & Tales.