The hockey playoff season is winding down where I live, and so this week I present: the myths associated with hockey and spectator sports in general. These are based on the notes I took at the last game I attended; notes which were totally not a flimsy attempt at “working,” and definitely not so I could claim hotel and travel expenses on my taxes because I’m writing about it now.
Myth#1 — Spectator sports are carefully scripted and orchestrated events run by large corporations: Well, if there was an orchestra involved, they were probably flattened by the mob of 18,000 insane fans trying to buy limited edition programs from the one guy selling them in a 10 foot square lobby. Which is too bad, because the orchestra probably had more spare change than he did.
Myth#2 — Scalpers make money by buying tickets at cost and selling them at outrageous prices to desperate fans. Actually, scalpers make only a small amount on the ticket. The majority of their profit comes from selling you the mountain climbing gear needed to get to your seat.
Myth#3 — The nosebleed section is called that because you’re so high up that the lack of oxygen causes big time nasal problems. In fact, nosebleeds are really caused by catching misplayed hockey pucks or baseballs — travelling at a speed clocked somewhere between Mach1 and nuclear missile strike — with your face.
Myth#4 — Women are quiet, delicate creatures that have no interest in sports. Did I mention that half of those 18,000 insane fans were women? Most of which were there sans boyfriend or husband? And did I mention my seat mate, the tiny, fragile-looking Asian woman who kept yelling: “SHOOT THE “#$%^&! PUCK!” (Addendum: check out https://www.thepwhl.com/en/)
Myth#5 — Hockey is a ‘dumb’ game. Nonsense. Hockey is on the same level as chess. In both games, you have to check your opponent. ‘Nuff said.
Myth#6 — It is a good idea to leave the game a few minutes early to avoid being stuck in a parking lot traffic jam. Scientific studies have proven that unless you leave a sports facility before the national anthem is played, there is no known way to avoid being stuck in a parking lot traffic jam.
Myth#7 — Hockey is a brutal and sometimes violent sport. Don’t be silly. There are rules for things like slashing, spearing, cross-checking, elbowing, and charging. Which is more than I can say for the average highway commute.
Myth#8 — You have to be Canadian to understand hockey. You do not eh? Lemme explain aboot that last play: Yashin caught the lead pass for a breakaway, deked for the one on one, but fanned on it and Cujo stonewalled him. Then Sullivan got the puck and one-timed it for a short-hander. Simple eh?
Myth#9 — Cheering wildly for your team helps them win. This may or may not be true. Wild cheering does, however, distribute nachos over a 30 foot radius, usually cheese side down. Or at least it would if the nacho vendor guy had the mountain gear to make it to your section.
Myth#10 — The Toronto Maple Leafs will one day win the Stanley Cup again. This is not a myth. This is gospel truth. Stop laughing.
Myth#11 — Sports fans are rational, normal people. Rational, normal people do not wander about wearing big foam hands, painting strange slogans on their chests or calling themselves “cheeseheads.”
Myth#12 — You have to be from a northern country to appreciate hockey. This is also not a myth. There is something morally wrong about putting an ice hockey arena in a place like, say, Phoenix, Arizona, where the average ambient temperature is 245 degrees Kelvin.
Myth#13 – Chandra will win tickets to see her Leafs in the playoffs (see Myth#10). Please don’t let this be a myth…. say it with me now…