In a rapidly changing world, it can be hard to know what to do in certain social situations. There are dozens of new relationship types, all sorts of new technologies, and several different cultural groups. How to handle it all, politely?
Never fear. This week, in the best tradition of Ann Landers and Miss Manners, I present: Dr. Chandra*.
Dear Dr. Chandra,
When is it acceptable to take a call on my cell phone?
Signed, Popular in Denver.
Dear Popular,
You can take a call on your cell phone if A) You are alone, and B) You are not operating any heavy machinery. If you do take a call while you are grocery shopping, for example, for Pete’s sake, keep your voice down. The rest of us do not need to hear what brand of hemorrhoid cream your partner needs.
Dear Dr. Chandra,
A friend of mine is living with someone, and I have no idea what to call him. His roommate? His partner? His boyfriend?
Signed, Don’t Want to Make a Faux Pas in Sydney.
Dear Don’t,
The man has a name, right? Use it.
Dear Dr. Chandra,
I love to listen to music on my iPod. But when I wear it out in public, people keep giving me dirty looks. Why would that be?
Signed, Audiophile in Antigonish
Dear Audiophile,
This is probably because you have failed to grasp the most important concept behind an iPod: It is a PERSONAL listening device. I’m willing to bet you have the volume up so high that the folks at the front of the bus can not only hear the lyrics clearly, but also the sound of the guitarist’s fingers against the strings as he bridges. Also, quit dancing so violently during the chorus.
Dear Dr. Chandra,
What’s the correct response when I see someone eating breakfast cereal or playing trumpet while driving?
Signed, Scared to Drive the 401 in Toronto
Dear Scared,
You should have a two-part response here. 1) Call the police to notify them that there’s an accident — give them your precise location by the nearest exit number. 2) Do your civic duty and use your car’s built-in rocket launcher to remove the offender from the road. Tip: Be sure to use Smart X-327 ammunition, as it lifts the target cleanly up and to the right.
Dear Dr. Chandra,
Just about every day someone in my office tries to get me to buy one of their fundraising items — something to raise money for their kid’s school, or a local charity. I can’t afford it! What do I do?
Signed, Broke in Berlin
Dear Broke,
There’s a simple solution to this: only buy the stuff being flogged by your supervisor. It never hurts to suck up to the boss. If someone who is on the same level or lower than you approaches you, tell them you already gave at the office.
Dear Dr. Chandra,
How can I get people to shut up in a movie theatre? Every time I go there’s always at least one person yakking through the whole thing.
Signed, Annoyed in London
Dear Annoyed,
I have a three stage approach to this. First, I give them a meaningful look. If that doesn’t work, I shush them, gently but firmly. If that fails, it is perfectly acceptable to take out a good quality slingshot and let loose with a few malted milk balls. It usually only takes about three — after that, they either shut up or have been malted into unconsciousness.
Dear Dr. Chandra,
I have friends who visit often; they let their children run wild and I spend half my time watching that they don’t destroy something. Is it acceptable to impose discipline?
Signed, Grumpy About Other People’s Kids
Dear Grumpy,
By all means impose discipline. Take the parents over your knee and give them a good whap on the backside. They will either stop visiting, or tell their kids to smarten up. Problem solved.
Dear Dr. Chandra,
What is the right thing to do if the automatic bank machine doles out more money than it actually took from your account?
Signed, Morally Confused
Dear Confused,
Place the money in your wallet, and calmly walk away from the machine. Once you’re about a block away you can let out a whoop of joy over your windfall. Otherwise you risk being recorded by the ATM camera.
Dear Dr. Chandra,
I read a lot of advice columns. Should I take any of them seriously?
Signed, Easily Led
Dear Easily,
Definitely not. Especially this one.
* I’m not a doctor**, but I play one in print.
** As of 2020, I am a Ph.D. in Creative Writing (ARU), so I am Dr. Chandra!
Photo by Glenn Carstens-Peters on Unsplash
