Me: Oh hi, Mr. Inkjet Printer, please print this out.

IP: No.

Me: Why not?

IP: I’m out of yellow ink.

Me: But it’s a black and white document.

IP: …

Me: Okay fine. *puts in new yellow ink cartridge*

IP: YELLOW INK LOW!

Me: I literally just put that in there. Stop being dramatic.

IP: *huffs* fine.

Me: …

IP: What?

Me: Are you going to print that document now?

IP: No.

Me: Now what?

IP: I’m out of cyan ink.

Me: But it’s a … you know what, never mind. *changes the cyan ink cartridge.*

IP: CYAN INK LO—

Me: Stop that!

IP: *sulks*

Me: Okay, so print the document.

IP: Can’t.

Me: *pinching bridge of nose* What this time?

IP: Gotta check the ink system.

Me: Fine, fine, get on with it.

IP: *whirrs*

*thumps*

*beeps*

*Michigan J. Frog singing*

*screen flashes*

*more whirring*

IP: We’re good. Ink system is locked and loaded.

Me: …

IP: What?

Me: The document?

IP: Oh right, right. Where was that… had it right here a minute ago… you know what? You’re going to need to send it again.

Me: @#$%^&! this is… *click click click* There.

IP: Uh nope. Not seeing it.

Me: It’s says its in your queue.

IP: Nope. Oh hey, look at that. Network connection error. You’ll need to reboot me.

Me: I’m going to put a boot somewhere, that’s for sure.

IP: Pardon?

Me: Nothing. Here, rebooting now.

IP: Zzzzz. Zzzzz. Zzzzz.

Me: *makes coffee, lunch*

IP: *yawn* Oh hi. What’s up?

Me: *click click click* Print this.

IP: Geeze, good morning to you too.

Me: Just. Print. It.

IP: Can’t.

Me: FOR THE LOVE OF … what’s wrong?

IP: No paper.

Me: There is paper right there.

IP: I don’t use that tray.

Me: What do you mean you don’t use that tray?! IT’S THE ONLY TRAY YOU HAVE.

IP: No, I’ve always used the other one.

Me: *sobbing, pulls paper tray out, puts it back in*

IP: There’s the right tray! See, was that so hard?

Me: *click click click* Print this. Please.

IP: Of course! No problem. All of the pages or just some of them?

Me: All.

IP: One sided or two?

Me: double sided.

IP: Perfect, and would you like fries with that?

Me: *reaches for baseball bat*

IP: Okay, okay… gosh touchy touchy. Printing 32 copies now.

Me: What?! Nonono, just one copy!

IP: What’s that? Can’t hear you! Too busy printing 320 copies!

Me: *buried in paper*