Chandra Clarke

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Dolphin dollars and moose money

January 30, 2023 By Chandra Clarke Leave a Comment

Promoters and developers spend thousands of dollars every year trying to bring tourists to their cities. In bigger places, mega-events like Lollapalooza, or the CNE are the attractions. In smaller towns, the local service clubs volunteer hundreds of hours to set up festivals, fairs and shows. 

Then there is Dingle, Ireland.

Dingle is a tiny fishing village on the west coast of the emerald isle. I’ve been there, and it’s one of those places that just has to be labelled “quaint.” A burgeoning metropolis of about 2000 people, it has been dubbed by some of the locals as the “last parish before the New World.” The main street is home to a grocery store, a couple of pubs, and some gift shops. It rains an awful lot in Dingle. 

It was also home to Fungi.

Fungi was a dolphin. Stories vary on just how and when the friendly little critter arrived, but presumably, he was originally spotted by fisherman out working the coastline. Some of the more entrepreneurial lads began taking folks out on their boats to visit him. Fungi, as it turned out, was a bit of a ham, and he especially liked flirting with women. And thus, a tourist attraction was born. 

The dolphin attracted visitors from all over the world. Psychiatrists took depressed patients out to swim with him, and photographers went nuts taking snapshots. Tourists from such diverse places as Wagga Wagga and Tuktoyuktuk gladly handed over their lunch money to go “Fungi-hunting.” Fungi was even featured on the Global television network here at home.

There were of course, the requisite Fungi T-shirts, coffee mugs and post cards for sale at the gift shops. The bed and breakfast homes filled up throughout the summer. The upshot of all this, is that one bored little dolphin pulled about £1 million per year into Dingle at the time. Think about that for a moment. That was more than $2 million in Canuck bucks. In Dingle.

This could mean one of two things. First: humans are easy to amuse. Well, that’s true enough. Take a long, hard look at some of the most famous tourist attractions in the world, and you’ll see what I mean. After all, what is the leaning tower of Pisa, if not a big time architectural boo-boo? The pyramids were the world’s first government sponsored employment/make-work project. Niagara Falls is essentially Mother Nature’s leakiest faucet.

Second: it means that eco-tourism is hot, hot, hot. There’s an explanation for this, which has to do with heritage. We pay money to go to Greek ruins — even thought there really isn’t anything there except rubble — because Ancient Greece is part of our history. People were beginning to realize that the environment is just as much a part of our Earthly heritage as Zeus and Apollo are.

Why have we only just begun to see this? I think that’s because we haven’t been able to separate ourselves from nature until the last century or so. It’s hard to appreciate the finer points of a lion when its teeth are buried in your left leg. Likewise, a rattlesnake is only cute(ish) at a distance.

Now though, as we continue to build a technological civilization, our natural heritage is going to become more and more important. There is a lesson to be learned here, developers. The pesky creature on the edge of town may just be a moose, but it’s our moose. Local residents might not be thrilled with it, but tourists from Indonesia will love it. 

Clown festivals and peach fairs are great, but it may be better and easier to promote tourism alternatives. What is commonplace in your backyard, is unique to someone living in the Far East. If you’d be willing to pay money to see panda bears, you can bet other people would pay money to see our polar bears. And that, by the way, provides an incentive to preserve the environment.

One Irish dolphin = $2 million.

Who knew?

But let’s hope Fungi had kids.

Image credit: Midjourney

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Coffee and civilization: coincidence?

November 28, 2022 By Chandra Clarke 1 Comment

Municipalities are having a tough time of these days, no doubt about it. Being the lowest on the governmental totem pole as they are, they get to bear the brunt of all those wonderful initiatives like `restructuring,’ `downsizing,’ and `social contracts.’ 

It works like this: first, the taxpayer puts the squeeze on the federal government for more services and less taxes. After making a few cuts, the federal government passes the worst of the problem on to the provinces. They promptly scream loudly about being “fiscally kneecapped,” make a few cuts themselves, and pass the problem onto the municipalities. Municipal governments, with no other level to pass it down to, are the ones who get to put the squeeze directly on the taxpayer.

Hmm. Put in that light, the whole thing looks rather circular all of a sudden doesn’t it?

Anyway, the municipal officials are the lucky devils who are as close to the people as any government is likely to get. Especially in small towns, where the mayor is likely to be your next door neighbour. In order to avoid being snarled at by an irate ratepayer while out raking the lawn, many of them spend long hours on their budget. They argue, make cuts wherever possible, sweat, empty out reserve funds, and pound the table. Finally, after a great deal of work, they come up with a budget with a 0% increase in taxes.

Only to have the local school boards tack on a 52% hike because they too, have been slashed by the provinces. 

The ratepayer, who only ever looks at the bottom line, goes and snarls at the lawn raker anyway. And deity help that mayor if the ratepayer hit a pothole on the way over. Actually, if I were a mayor, I’d make a point of removing all sharp objects from my backyard. I’d also keep a firm grip on my rake.

So, faced with federal and provincial cutbacks, a stack of bills, a long repair list, and a snarly tax base, what do officials do? A lot of them have discovered that the best way to handle the situation is to attract more people into the town. After all, filling a pothole will cost $50 no matter what. It’s easier though, to split the bill up between five people instead of two.

Thus, economic development departments are born. In some places, the method for attracting tourists and homeowners to a town consists of putting up a statue of a goose, so people can take those goofy “here I am in Anytown, Ontario” shots. In other places, it involves promoting some kind of festival, perhaps having something to do with cherry pits, or those spin-you-`til-you’re-sick midway rides.

Don’t get me wrong, there are some excellent departments out there, working hard on developing historical tours, great fishing spots, and attracting companies by the dozen. I only mention them because I of course, have a much better idea for making towns grow.

Start a coffee shop.

Yes, I’ve spent many long hours researching this, studying it from every conceivable angle. What I’ve discovered is that every town, no matter how tiny, or how big, has at least one coffee shop. The bigger the place, the more coffee shops there are. Coincidence? I think not.

In small towns, they take the form of a little hole-in-the-wall place, usually on main street, with a name like “Darlene’s” or “Mrs. G’s.” The men from the nearby farms come in first, early in the morning, wearing Pioneer Seed hats, and muddy boots. The women come in later, perhaps around 10 a.m., once their husbands are safely out of the way. It’s the place where the coffee is good, the gossip is better, and intractable problems like the Russian situation and the sports strikes are solved over a slice of pie.

In larger places, these cornerstones of population growth take the form of the doughnut franchise, but the principle is the same. Coffee shops are the seeds of civilization.

Recent archeological discoveries prove it. At a dig at one of the world’s first permanent settlements in Ancient Sumeria, scientists have discovered a remarkable store front sign that has the words “Kaffkei Mujj Isa.” Loosely translated, that means “coffee sold here.”

So economic developers take note: skip the fish fry, and start a coffee shop.

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Look what the cat brought in

August 29, 2022 By Chandra Clarke Leave a Comment

According to a study, an estimated 275 million animals die in Britain every year. Was urban sprawl responsible for this carnage? Pollution? Sport hunters?

No, researchers have pointed the finger at…

Minky the cat.

Minky wasn’t working alone of course. His accomplices, Buster, Gracie, Cosmo, and several million other domestic felines in the UK are responsible for this, um, catastrophe.

That’s according to the British Mammal Society, which apparently conducted a survey of about cats over a period of five months. Word has it the survey was extremely difficult to conduct:

INTERVIEWER: Excuse me, Ms. Whiskers, isn’t it? I’m wondering if you could answer a few questions?

WHISKERS: [Looking bored]

INTERVIEWER: Um, yes, could you tell me how many rabbits you’ve killed this month? Or would that be a faux paw?

WHISKERS: [Looking bored]

INTERVIEWER: Ah, well then, how about mice? I hear they’re just the cat’s meow.

WHISKERS: [Looking bored]

INTERVIEWER: Cat got your tongue? Ahahaha.

WHISKERS: [Looking bored]

INTERVIEWER: How about worms? Rats? Frogs? You don’t need to give me numbers for all nine of your lives, you know…

WHISKERS: MEOWR! FSST!

INTERVIEWER: Right, I’ll just bleed my way over to my bag and call an ambulance, shall I?

The society members eventually collected data from 964 cats in about 600 households over a five-month period – during which the pets killed more than 14,000 animals. Or at least, killed them and brought them home as ‘presents’ for their human companions. Their actual kill rate might be much, much higher.

Previous surveys have suggested that about 68% of these were mammals, 24% were birds and 1.3% were listed as “unidentifiable,” which means that British cats are either very vicious killers or they cough up really bad hairballs.

The survey also found a small percentage were reptiles. At first, I doubted this statistic, because when I think ‘reptile’, the British countryside is not the first image to spring to mind: 

NIGEL SAND LIZARD: Wot’s the forecast today, Alfred?

ALFRED GRASS SNAKE: C-c-c-old and wet.

NIGEL: Wot’s the forecast for the fortnight, then?

ALFRED: C-c-c-cold and wet.

NIGEL: Crikey, I wish me Mam had moved to the colonies with me Dad.

ALFRED: T-t-too right! I hear it’s n-n-nice in Arizona this time of year.

NIGEL & ALFRED: [Sigh.]

Another interesting fact from the survey was that felines with bells were the deadliest hunters, bringing in an average of 19 bodies in five months. (They really had no scruples about killing at all -in fact, you might say they had the morals of an alley cat).  The only exception to this finding, was Miffles, who had an unfortunate run-in with a dog that left him almost, well, catatonic.

As hard as the cat quizzes were though, the British Mammal Society has had tougher assignments. How about that rare mouse species study?

INTERVIEWER: Excuse me, Ms. Brie? I’m conducting a survey on mice species.

MS. BRIE: Yes?

INTERVIEWER: Are you a yellow-necked mouse?

MS. BRIE: What did you just call me?

INTERVIEWER: Um… yellow-necked?

MS. BRIE: Are you calling me yellow? A coward?! Do you think I can=t be tough just because I=m a mouse?!

INTERVIEWER: Nononono! It’s a species na-

MS. BRIE: SQUEAK! [Chomp!]

INTERVIEWER: OW! Blimey, that hurt! You’re related to Mr. Whiskers, aren’t you?

I’m guessing the barn owl diet survey wasn’t exactly a hoot, either, as participants had to collect owl … pellets for about four years. And we won’t even get into the problems associated with the – I swear this is true – road kill study.

Why do they do this sort of thing. Because we’re losing animals at a shocking rate, through pollution, habitat destruction, and apparently, our domesticated animals. If we’re losing that many in critters in the UK, think, for example, how many songbirds die worldwide.

The thing is, there’s something you can do about the cat issue: keep your cat(s) indoors. And be sure to spay or neuter them in case they escape.

If you think about it, it’s not only better for the environment, but it’s safer for your cat, too. Cats that roam around outside risk being injured by other cats, being hit by cars, eating toxic garden plants, or picking up an expensive-to-treat disease. Nobody wants that for Fluffykins.

So if you’re smitten with kittens with murder mittens, keep them inside. Purrvana now!

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Five Interesting Things – August 2022

August 13, 2022 By Chandra Clarke 1 Comment

It’s time for the August 2022 edition of 5 Interesting Things. It’s a short round up of things I’ve found that are: potentially actionable, inspiring, thought-provoking.

Self Driving… Ships? Self-driving cars get a lot of press, probably because cars are more likely to be part of the average reader’s experience. However, sea-going vessels are getting in on the action, with talk of Maritime Autonomous Surface Ships (MASS). With more than 80% of international trade conducted over the water, and with human errors being very, very costly (we’re looking at you, Ever Given), MASS makes a lot of sense.

Mini-forests We all know it’s a good idea to plant a tree, but how about pushing for mini-forests? A new book by Hannah Lewis advocates for transforming empty lots, backyards, and degraded land into mini-forests. Sound like a project for you? Don’t forget to buy the book from an independent bookstore.

Architecture Matters. I’m a technophile and I always appreciate a labour saving device. However, sometimes we rush to new things without consideration of why we did the old things a certain way. That’s the case in India these days. Always a hot country, citizens have been suffering more brutal heat wavers earlier and more often lately. Modern building styles, which use a lot of heat trapping and radiating concrete, are not helping.

Take Out Still Bad There are a lot of reasons why you should avoid take out (or if British, take away) food: It’s usually heavy on the calories, sugar, salt, and fat, you probably went through the drive-through to get it, and… the packaging. A new study shows that takeaway packaging dominates ocean litter. Treat yourself to a dine-in restaurant experience instead.

Modular Buildings Are you a Lego(R) fan? Then you’ll love the idea of modular buildings. Construction generates tons of waste, both in the original building process, and later, in the demolition process. Buildings can age out beyond repair, and purpose built buildings can be hard to, you know, repurpose. (Props to my local microbrewery, which found a way to reuse an old six-screen movie theatre to brew delicious beer.) Modular buildings solve some of these problems.

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