This week, it’s time to set aside the frivolity and deal with a very serious topic. I’m going to discuss what has become the scourge of the early 21st century. Billions of dollars are spent every year to deal with it. And, I predict the problem is only going to get worse.
I’m talking of course, about Computer Butt.
Now don’t laugh. Those of us who work with computers every day know that this is a very weighty problem. Indeed, weight is in fact the main problem.
You see, a large percentage of occupations these days require long hours in front of a computer. They don’t require us to go hefting things on a regular basis, or even walking back and forth between departments in the office. The computer makes it possible to do pretty much everything in the workplace from the comfort of your desk.
This means that the most exercise we’re getting is in the stretch to turn the computer on in the morning. And of course, most of us are still eating as though we’re out ploughing the back forty. Add to this dangerous combination the usual effects of gravity and you have: Computer Butt. A whole generation of workers who have backsides that conform really, really well to their ergonomically designed chairs.
Which is why the exercise equipment industry is doing so well. While you’re sitting in front of the television set eating potato chips this week, check out some of the late night infomercials. There are dozens of companies out there, flogging enhanced jogging. For instance, NordicTrack has a whole line of equipment for keeping in shape, by skiing, walking, running, hopping and flexing. As I’ve never seen any big Nords around, I suppose they work well enough.
There are those bizarre-looking devices strictly for improving the thighs, which always seem to me to make the user look faintly obscene. You can ignore the half-dozen stairs in your home and shell out big bucks for a brightly coloured block of plastic for step aerobics — or better yet, drag the chequebook out for a machine to simulate the effect of walking up and down the stairs. Add another twenty percent to the price if it has been endorsed by a buff Hollywood starlet. Instead of walking to work or around the block, dip into the bank account to buy a fancy treadmill and walk in the same spot for 20 minutes a day.
Actually, I think that’s part of the problem with exercise. Aside from the fact that having to break a sweat is pretty high on most people’s yuckometer, exercise is generally boring. Nobody has the time or resources to organize something fun, like a rousing game of say, dodge ball, so the alternative is heaving yourself onto a machine for half an hour of repetitive motion. Yawn. This is why you see so many classified ads that read: For Sale, treadmill, used once, paid $3000, will sell for $30.
Personally, I might take up rollerblading. It provides both a change of scenery and a little excitement — there’s nothing quite like strapping a set of wobbly plastic wheels onto your feet and hurtling down the road at top speed, knowing that the only way to stop forward motion is to: A) run into a tree or B) kiss asphalt. I suspect that added anxiety helps burn off a few extra calories.
Presuming the rest of you aren’t into skinned knees and facial scars though, that doesn’t leave many options. I suppose you could always go for one of those machines that promote the lazy man’s route to muscle tone. You know, one of those scary contraptions with wires and electrodes where you plug yourself in for an hour of controlled twitching. Heaven help you if there’s a lightning strike and a power surge, but anyway . . .
Come to think of it, perhaps exercise machines would get more use if you could actually generate something with all that repetitive motion. For instance, if the only way you could bingewatch Seinfeld was to generate electricity on the treadmill, we might actually see fewer cases of Computer Butt.
However, I suspect that the only way most of us are going to get into the habit of exercising is to be able to download virtual reality scenery for our WalkFits, SkiFits and Have-A-Fits. Health gurus are already working on special programs for stationary bikes and other assorted torture devices that allow you to tour places in the world without ever leaving your rec room. You can cycle through the hills of France, or row-machine through the watery streets of Venice. Tourism and travel while on a calorie-burning, shoestring budget.
Which is just as well, I guess. As good as modern science is, I think it will be a long time before we’re advanced enough to download virtual reality butts.