So, there I was, one Friday night, all set to go out for the evening. I threw my gear in the trunk, opened the driver side door and… discovered that I no longer had a passenger side window. Well, okay, I did have one, but it was no longer a one piece ensemble.
They say that when bad things happen, time seems to slows down, and that later you can clearly remember what your thoughts were at the time. I can attest that this is true. My exact thoughts were:
?
?!
!!!
@#$%^&*!
Apparently, a would-be car thief had stopped by the night before and attempted to make off with my little Tiburon. Little did he know that all Tiburons come equipped with a unique theft deterrent called Exploding Windows 2000 (not to be confused with the computer productivity deterrent, Crashing Windows 2000).
The EW2K, which activates as soon as someone tries to jimmy open your door, will immediately cause the door window to shatter into no fewer than 2,487,985 pieces. The most amazing feature of this system is that one meter squared of glass will redistribute itself over a 45 meter area, with some stray pieces traveling as far as the corner variety store.
How does this deter thieves, you ask? The glass pieces travel at a high enough speed to embed themselves in the car seats, the steering wheel, the paint job, and with any luck, the thief himself. Indeed, there were so many bits of glass in the driver’s seat that the only way anyone could drive away with the car was if they’d come equipped with steel undershorts and butt plate armor.
My neighbours and friends were all very sympathetic, and, being Canadians, unanimously recommended the same solution: duct tape. I’m not sure whether that was recommended as a temporary car fix, or as something to apply to the thief once he’s been caught. Personally, I’d like to try the latter, as I’ve heard duct tape is good for removing body hair quickly and painfully. I’m sure that the other four families on my street that were vandalized that same night would like to help.
In any case, in situations like this, you often wonder why people — and in particular the teenager suspected of this crime — do this sort of thing. I live in a nice town, with good families. There are no bad neighbourhoods and these kinds of crimes are rare. I know many of you will immediately point to the video game industry as a bad influence. But I disagree: if this guy had actually played something like Grand Theft Auto III, he’d be a much better car thief.
You also wonder, as you’re picking glass bits out of your cup holder, just what you’d say to the thief if you had a chance to confront them. Several things come to mind:
1. Didn’t your mother ever teach you to clean up after an attempted car theft?
2. You never made it past the second level of that car theft game, did you?
3. Are you even old enough to reach the pedals?
4. Isn’t there a uniform at a burger joint with your name on it?
5. Where would you like to try the duct tape first?
6. Never mind. Let’s try the ‘bikini area’ first.
Sadly though, the next person I’ll be talking to is the insurance adjuster and the body shop. Because they will have to do things like open up the door frame and clear glass bits out of the air vents, I know the bill will come to roughly: $35,000. I do have insurance of course, but since my premiums will go up, all that means is that I’ll pay off the damage over the long term.
With that in mind, I’m tempted to just leave the glass bits in the air vents, put the car back in the driveway, and crank the air conditioning controls on full. This is so the thief can actually steal the car, but not without receiving another blast of glass bits in his bikini area. Meanwhile, I could go upgrade to the latestTiburon.
It’s got tinted Exploding Windows.
James
Hey. I have loved your site,thought U had left or deleted me as I did not receive any mailings for a few months.
Keep up the humor and smile like U mean it!
James
Eric Grunewald
Dear Chandra, So sorry on hearing of your loss. I have had a similar experience where someone broke into my locked garage, tore out the tape deck and rear speakers, and ended up leaving the speakers sitting on the roof of the car. And I believe my initial thoughts were exactly as you described. Can I provide a roll of duct tape?
Cathy
The duct tape would have kept the shattered glass from separating if you had put it on as soon as you took the picture. Next time, and I hope it never comes, make a big duct tape asterisk on the window. Or a snowflake since you’re in Canada.
Sunny
That’s crappy but at least your car was still there. Duct tape!?! LOL That is a very Canadian solution!! 🙂
Lloyd
Chandra, as an old, retired cop I feel your pain and have many times, at least by proxy. It always just astounded me that someone would be so disrespectful of other people’s property that they would break in to steal a couple of thousand bucks from a store owner’s safe and do a quarter million dollars damage in the process. Many years ago I was raised on a farm. One night a neighbor’s cattle got out and we spent the night helping him round them up. By the time we found them they had left a path of destruction through many a disgruntled neighbor’s corn fields. The old farmer remarked; It ain’t so much what they eat, it’s what they tromp down. Since the cattle were just dumb animals and a good case could be made that so is your car thief, I suppose the resulting collateral damage is to be expected. In one of the early 007 movies Bond had an efficient crook disposal system on his Austin Martin. It was an ejection seat with enough force to put the bad guy into low earth orbit. However, I see a potential problem with both the ejection seat and your EW2K system. Both of them work to keep the thief AWAY from the vehicle. Personally, I would retain custody, for at least a while. When the miscreant enters the auto, the windows should roll up and seal and the doors would lock. Then the cyanide capsule would drop into the glass cup of acid under the seat. After a reasonable time, the sun roof would open and THEN the ejection seat would deploy.
However, with the number of recalls that seem to be the norm for the auto companies, I fear the auto might suffer from premature ejection, leaving the car owner with an oily, bloody mess to clean off his (still closed) sun roof.
I wonder if they still hang horse thieves? I may join the Amish.
J. Davidson
Duct tape is great, but as when you castrate bulls, you need apply turpentine when you are done with the duct tape to prevent infection, and to maximize the warm feeling.
Glad you are back on line.
Sarwar Sukhera
BREAKING NEWS: Research & Development Department at Ford Motor Company, in cooperation with NASA and funded by Obama Administration, is working on an inflatable car. Owner will be able to deflate the car after use, fold it and put in a backpack to go shopping in the malls, or sling it on coathanger in entrance hall of the house. There is going to be an upscale model for the status conscious — Sarah Palin Edition — made of real seal skin and stitched by hand in China.
Your fan from Lahore, Pakistan.