At last, at last, I can be the first pundit to officially sound a panic-inducing alarm about a potential new danger. So here it is, my first screaming headline:
TERROR IN YOUR OWN BACKYARD?
No, I’m not talking about those greasy, artery hardening hamburgers on your barbecue. I’m not even referring to the 1 in 600,000 chance you have of being struck by lightning. I think we should all be freaking out over:
Killer trees.
Researchers in Canada discovered that innocent looking white pines are carnivorous. And the truly frightening part of this story is that they don’t even do the dirty work themselves: they have hit men.
According to a report in The Globe and Mail, when tiny white insects called springtails (Latin name: Murderus Victimus) land on pine-based mushrooms, the mushrooms release a paralyzing chemical. They then grow around the bugs, eat them alive (you might even say the bugs are pining away) and pass on the nutrients to the tree roots. Apparently, the trees pay the mushrooms off in sugars. It sounds like a sweet deal to me.
As a professional investigative reporter (I investigate the contents of the refrigerator daily), I decided to risk everything and confront the two very large pine trees in my front yard.
ME: Um, I notice you’ve been hanging out with a lot of mushrooms lately. Why’s that?
BIG PINE: Well, you know how it is… ground gets wet, mushrooms need a place to go, so they come around here.
ME: Right. I just read an article that says you guys use mushrooms as hit men. That one right there looks pretty big and mean, now that I think about it.
BIG PINE: Oh come on. Just because his name is Louie ‘The Spore’ Portobello? Nah, he just hangs around ‘cuz he likes being social. Get a few drinks into ‘im and he can be a fungi.
ME: So you’re saying he wouldn’t hurt a fly?
BIG PINE: Well, uh… I dunno if I’d say that exactly. But listen, questions like this could be dangerous for a human. I’d hate to see my buddy Jack over there by the driveway get upset, you know, over silly rumours and such. Car windows are such delicate things.
ME: He wouldn’t dare.
BIG PINE: You don’t know Jack Pine.
ME: But that’s not fair.
BIG PINE: Don’t be such a sapling. Life’s a beech. Get over it.
I thought about threatening the pair of them with a chain saw, but then I was struck by a thought (and a couple of pine cones): what if there was more to this story? What if all trees are carnivores? And what if they’re organized? We assume that just because they tend to live in rural areas that trees are a bunch of unsophisticated country hickories, but perhaps we should look at tree behaviour more closely. Let’s look at the facts:
- Trees tend to travel in groups: groves, stands, forests, woods, orchards.
- Trees and mushrooms are often seen together.
- Most of them are armed: things like acorn projectiles, heavy branches — some even have thorns.
- Throughout history, many people have ventured into dark forests etc., and have never returned.
From here, it’s not such a great leap to think that trees have coerced other creatures to work for them. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been pelted by a walnut, only to look up and see a squirrel looking down at me with an evil glint in its little rodent eyes. And birds? Ever try to venture near a tree where a bird has a nest? In fact, once I thought about it, I twigged to the possibility of a criminal relationship: in exchange for their work, these animals are offered ‘protection.’
This means if you go out into the woods today, you might indeed find a big surprise. All those gentle, peaceful sounds of the forest that you heard on your last camping trip might actually have been chlorophyll-scented burps. And if trees decide to branch out, and expand their organization? We’re in trouble. Except for California, home of the giant redwood. Residents there are in big trouble.
It’s a mad world we live in, where not even the vegetation is vegetarian. So be careful out there: you may find that it’s the bark that’s worse than the bite.
