Dear Valued Customer,
Thank you for contacting us about:
[PASTE CUSTOMER’S COMPLAINT HERE AND DELETE THIS LINE]
Why the heck are you wrapping green onions in non-recyclable plastic film now? Every time I go to the store there’s MORE plastic, not less. Enough already!
Scofflaw Companies Limited takes Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR) very seriously. You can tell we do because we capitalized it! As America’s food and pharmacy leader, we aim to create positive environmental and social change by focusing on issues that matter most to our stakeholders. And by stakeholders we mean shareholders.
Our company’s approach to CSR and performance against our targets, which are some bullshit numbers we pulled out of thin air and are entirely divorced from reality, are detailed in our latest CSR report. For a snapshot, please also review our CSR Highlights document. Our efforts are guided by our company purpose – helping Americans Live Life Betterer.®
Again, you can tell we take this very seriously because we wasted money on consulting, focus groups, and filing for trademarks to make this into something vaguely brandable, rather than actually addressing any problems. We’re still figuring out the hashtag, but bear with us. It’s becoming harder and harder to find social media interns, as no one wants to work for free anymore.
Look, we wrap this crap in plastic because customers WANT us to. They said so. Well, okay, we haven’t actually heard anyone say, “please swaddle all my food in plastic so that I can ingest a credit card’s worth every week and who knows what that’s doing to my body,” but we’re sure you want it. You dummies keep buying this stuff.
Alright, fine, you buy it because you have to, as we slather plastic on pretty much everything now. But you COULD grow your own food, you know. On the tiny balcony of your shit apartment. In January. But you WON’T because you’re LAZY. And probably too busy eating avocado toast.
Where were we? Oh yeah. So, our efforts are guided by the following principles:
Respecting the environment – Our aim is to reduce the environmental impacts of our operations, with a focus on food and packaging waste, and greenhouse gas emissions. Like, we’re SUPER focused on this. LASER focused in fact. Have you seen those laser scanners we use at checkout? We love to watch you pay us. In fact, our CEO has that little scanner beep noise as his ring tone.
Sourcing responsibly – We strive to sell products that are safe and responsibly sourced. Strive. Yeah, yeah, we have so much buying power we could force changes all the way up the supply chain pretty much overnight, but we’re happy to strive. Baby steps, you know? At least until we get offered tax credits for doing stuff we should have been doing all this time.
Making a positive difference in our communities – We aim to support our colleagues and communities by placing a focus on advancing diversity, equity and inclusion (DEI) through our operations, promoting health and wellness, and our philanthropic efforts. As you can see, this is practically a trifecta. We’ve got focus, we’ve got an official socially acceptable acronym in there, AND we mentioned philanthropy. Because let’s face it, the money we spend to brand your kid’s soccer shirts is chump change, but they look awesome and will probably help you forget the state of our oceans, amirite?
For the most up to date information on our CSR initiatives, please visit our corporate website.
Also, did you see how we capitalized Valued Customer? Did you? That means you’re important-ish too!
Still having issues? We ask that you please do not reply directly to this email, because honestly, we didn’t want to talk to you in the first place.