Chandra Clarke

Award-winning entrepreneur. Author. Professional Optimist.

A Broken Record

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Image credit: Pixabay

I know this is sacrilegious, but I have to say that I’m not much of a summer Olympics fan.

This is perhaps because I’m Canadian and the Canadian teams have traditionally, to use the technical, sports medicine term… sucked at the summer games. We frequently get beat in the medal counts by such economic and social powerhouses as Bulgaria.

To be fair, this is not the fault of our athletes, who are top notch. Our beach volleyball players, for example, are among the toughest in the world. This is because for 10 months out of every year, they’re practicing on beaches that are about as warm and inviting as a meat locker, wearing nothing but fur-lined swimming trunks.

This is mostly the fault of our Olympic team management. For a start, most of our athletes didn’t even know they were going to be on the Canadian team until last month, when they received a phone call that went something like this:

TEAM CANADA: Good morning, Bob? We’ve selected you to be on our cycling team.
BOB: Oh. Right. I didn’t even know I was under consideration.
TC: Well you were. We think you’re top notch.
BOB: Okay, well, I suppose I should take the snow chains off my tires eh? Practice biking in Athenian conditions.
TC: Hey! Great idea!

Canadian summer athletes aren’t very well-funded either. Indeed, most of them earned the money for their airplane tickets to the Olympics by selling fur-lined swimming trunks and snow chains to each other.

It’s also not like our athletes are missing by much. At first it’s disheartening to think your country’s entrant came in eighth place … until you realize that the difference between first and eighth is less than one quarter of one second.

Which brings me to the issue of human achievement. The games have long ceased being of interest to me because we’ve reached the limits of what we can do. Desperate for any competitive edge, athletes are doing things like buying special swim suits that cut drag, using performance enhancing drugs, or even worse, practicing their sports cliches by telling journalists that they gave 110% percent out there.

Indeed, we have so little room for improvement in standard sports anymore that people are resorting to participating in increasingly silly competitions, like, say, running for the US presidency.

Or consider the entries in the Guinness Book of World Records. Kevin Cole of Carlsbad, New Mexico, USA, holds the record for — I kid you not — the longest spaghetti strand blown out of a nostril in a single blow. Vincent Pilkington of Cootehill, County Cavan, Republic of Ireland, plucked a turkey in 1 minute 30 seconds. There is even an entry for the fastest winkle picker in the world. (And is it just me, or does winkle picker sound like a Shakespearian insult? “Horatio! Thou art a winkle picker, methinks!”)

All of which leads me to ask important journalistic questions like: How does one learn one can eject spaghetti from one’s nose? (Answer: I really don’t want to know.) and Did the turkey get any sort of recognition for being the fastest plucked of its species? (Answer: Yes, a pot of cranberry sauce and a good basting.) and Just what the heck is a winkle anyway? (Answer: A close relative of the wonkle, obviously.)

Perhaps it’s time then to consider some new sports and sports venues. Why not put the next summer games on the Moon?

Then athletes really would have to put in 110% … just to deal with the lower gravity. And Canadians might just have a chance.

It’s darned cold up there, you see. We could sell fur-lined spacesuits.

 

Canadian Elections Explained. Mostly.

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Can-vote-stub

Being very sensibly immersed in summer, you may not have heard the most recent political news: Canadians are preparing for a federal election for this autumn.

This is almost unheard of here, as political parties usually have the good sense to call fall elections in the… you know… fall. However, the incumbent party apparently wants to make Canadians hate democracy with a blind fury, and plans to make this happen by inflicting more than 100 days of campaigning on them.

I know from my own experience as an outsider looking at the American or European Union situations that the politics of another country or group can be … puzzling sometimes. So today I offer you this primer on the Canadian political system.

Parliament: Where the Canadian government sits in Ottawa, Ontario. This is large, old and imposing brick building with a high fence at the front, and a nasty drop into a cold river at the back; it is covered by several feet of snow at least eight months a year. We sentence 300+ people to work, eat, and breathe there for terms of up to five years, and wonder why they come back changed men and women.

Member of Parliament: This is a local person who has been convinced to run for a seat in the government. Like in any other democracy, Canadians will plant lawn signs, canvass, campaign, and rally around their chosen victim until election day. After that, they regard him or her as a “politician,” to be muttered about darkly in the coffee shops.

Opposition: The parties that fail to form the government collectively form what is known as the Opposition. They get to second guess and criticize the government’s every move, which makes their jobs way more fun and less work than actually governing. See also Armchair General, Monday Morning Quarterback and Movie Critic.

Question Period: A period of time every day that parliament is in session, where the government and especially the Prime Minister must face the Opposition and answer questions about its policies and conduct. Americans should try this some time.

Lawn Sign: Candidates typically go to great trouble and expense to get supporters to place partisan signs on their lawns. This is probably a singularly ineffective way to advertise because,

A) Someone who is committed enough to put up a lawn sign is already going to vote for you;

B) Anyone who is undecided will be further confused by a walk through any average neighbourhood: “Oh look! A Liberal sign. Maybe I’ll vote Liberal. Wait! A Conservative sign. Perhaps I’ll vote Conservative. Hang on! A New Democratic Party sign. Think I’ll vote NDP. Whoa! Another Liberal sign. Maybe I’ll vote Liberal.” And finally,

C) This being an autumn election, most of the signs will be buried in the snow across much of the country by polling day anyway.

Door-to-Door Canvassing: Another dubious campaign strategy is going door-to-door. Typically a campaigner will knock on your door, shake your hand, and say something like, “I’m Joe Blow, and I’d like your vote this October.” This year, candidates will likely say, “I’m Joe Blow, and I’m really, really desperate for a new pair of runners. Mine gave out six weeks ago.” Or they may say, “Mm! Mmm mmph mmmph mmm!” because they’re bundled up in a toque, scarf, mittens, earmuffs and a parka.

Door-to-Door II: Whether or not it’s a good time of year, Canadians still value a personal visit and a handshake from the local candidates. This is just one of the many unreasonable expectations we have for our politicians. My riding, for example, has 106,144 people it, which means the local candidate would have to shake something like 1800 hands a day to meet everyone, or die trying. The riding of Nunavut, meanwhile, has only 26,745 people – which might make a personal visit doable, if only the riding wasn’t 2,093,190 kilometers squared in size.

Bad Seasonally-Themed Political Writing: From a voter perspective, the only thing worse than facing a polling day blizzard will be enduring the bad thematic political writing. Look for headlines like: “A Fall for Harper?” or “Opposition Wants To Rake In The Votes ” or “Who Will Exit First: The Maple Leafs or NDP?”

Photo credit: RouxRoundel. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons

Earthworms and … climate change?

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As any gardener will tell you, earthworms are good for your garden. However, that same ability to compost organic material into rich, black soil in your backyard may actually be having a detrimental impact on some forests, and in turn, carbon storage.

Earthworms, you see, are not native to the province of Alberta in Canada. Indeed, apparently most of Canada’s native earthworms died out during the last ice age; the worms you see today are likely invasive species that somehow made their way across the ocean with European immigrants. Earthworms eat will eat copious amounts of leaf litter on the forest floor, and this speeds up soil decomposition. It’s not yet clear how this affects the growth cycles of trees, forest plants, and the birds, mammals and invertebrates that live in forests where worms have not been found before.

So how does climate change come into it? Leaf litter, as it accumulates in forest soil, works like a carbon dioxide bank, storing it underground. So scientists now want to know if earthworms reduce carbon storage, and if so by how much? Initial research by Dr. Erin Cameron suggests that it might be as much as a 37% decrease; this could have a significant impact on climate change.

Given this data, the Alberta Worm Invasion Project has a mandate to slow the spread of earthworms in Alberta. As you might suspect, human activity is still a major cause of accelerated earthworm spread, as worm eggs can cling to car tires, and fishers tend to dump their bait at the end of a day out fishing. The project has a public awareness campaign going to help reduce the impact of human activity.

On the citizen science side, the Worm Invasion Project wants your help to track the spread of earthworms in Alberta. The Worm Tracker is an iOS app that allows you to track where and when you find earthworms in the province. There’s a field guide to help you identify species, and you can use Google Earth to explore some of the data.

Photo by sippakorn yamkasikorn on Unsplash

All about frogs

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Today, I’d like you spare a thought or two for the humble frog.

While they’re not the brightest of beasts, given that frogs live on land and in the water, and have semi-permeable skin, they are very sensitive to pollution and other changes. This makes them a good bellwether for the environment.

That’s why FrogWatch Canada wants your help. Researchers have set up a nationwide program to gather data on frogs (and toads), in an effort to track populations over time. According to the FrogWatch site, the most effective way to track changes in frog and toad populations is to listen for their calls during mating season in the springtime.

To participate in this citizen science project, you first need to go to the website for FrogWatch and select your province, and then click the How To FrogWatch link in the menu. Then you’ll be presented with instructions specific to your area. In Ontario, for example, frogs and toads are active between March and August, and the site suggests that you monitor from spring in your area until about June. All you need to do is listen for them once or twice a week, and then fill in and submit a FrogWatch observation form. You’ll report on roughly how many frogs you hear, and when you hear them.

If you live near a waterway already, or plan to spend time at the cottage this spring, this is a really easy way to contribute to conservation efforts. It’s also a great project to do with your children.

Photo by Jack Hamilton on Unsplash