They say Necessity is the mother of invention. (We don’t know who the father is yet, because Necessity is keeping quiet until she can launch a paternity suit.) “They” are definitely right.
All I wanted to do, you see, is vacuum the rug. It desperately needed a good cleaning, because we broke Chandra’s Decorating Tip # 54, which is “Don’t combine four-footed fur factories, otherwise known as two dogs and a cat, with a new, dark blue rug.”
Vacuuming in our house entails the following steps: 1) Rescuing the vacuum cleaner from the storage room, where, in spite of the fact it is the most-used item, it is always shoved to the back, 2) Hauling it out while trying not to trip over attachments, the three dozen items that have been parked in the hall waiting for someone to put them away, and the two overly-excited Tollers who feel compelled to follow your every move, and 3) Finding a plug behind the couch, under the table or around the chair that isn’t already taken up by the lamp, the computer, the TV, or the game console, or the Super Duper Flavour Infuser Popcorn Machine.
I did all of this with a minimum of bruises, and, with a cry of triumph, turned on the vacuum. Naturally, nothing happened. This is because I’d blown the X31-00F Mercury Formed Vacuum Belt with Special Bumpy Ridges. I discovered – at the 32nd store I visited – that this particular belt is manufactured only in Dneprodzerzhink (lower east side) and would take six months to ship.
So, while I was shaving the dogs and cat bald, it occurred to me there had to be an easier way to keep carpets clean. Thus, I’m initiating the Chandra’s List of Things That Need Inventing. This is where I come up with the ideas, and the rest of you can work out the actual, well, details. For example:
Vacuumettes: In a truly civilized world, we would have tiny, quiet robotic vacuum cleaners. Think of them as portable hand-vacs with a few extra brain cells and wheels: at night, they could scuttle out of their little cubby holes, skirmish with the dust bunnies, and hide away again. Feed them HEPAs to keep happy, and buy them new attachments on special occasions like International Vacuum Day.
Shopperz: Little automated shopping machines that will drive across town, circle endlessly in the mall parking lot looking for a space, wander aimlessly in the mall looking furtively at the “You Are Here” directories, and spending hours in line until they’re told “Sorry, we’re out of stock. Did you try Dneprodzerzhink?” They could include a Christmas module add-on, complete with spikes, heat guns and pepper spray, so they can duke it out with other Shopperz for the last Retro Furby toy.
Or how about:
Pocket Stoppit: A complex sensor on your washing machine or dryer that would analyse the contents of everyone’s pockets and instantly vaporize foreign objects. This is to prevent repeat occurrences of the Incredible Exploding Tissue That Leaves Bits Everywhere, or that Annoying Quarter That I Can’t Find That Keeps Rolling Around the Dryer Making Noise.
Rent-A-Kid: A unique service that provides 24 hour delivery of temporary children to help you undo all those child-proof packages you have in your home. For an extra charge, you can rent specially trained teenagers who are able open those cardboard “%^! fold-open spout milk cartons (“Push back here! But not on the other side because we put the trick glue there!”)
Butt Air-Bags: We have driver-side, passenger-side, and even side-impact air bags. But no one has ever thought to deploy the poofy plastic pockets for posterior side impacts. Not in the car of course, but for all those occasions when you’re skating, skiing, skateboarding, attempting to tip toe through an icy parking lot in the winter, or if you’re particularly clumsy, just plain walking. It could double as a change pouch when not in use.
Voice Mail Agent 99: A device you could attach to your phone (or your shoe) that would spend hours navigating that modern day labyrinth, the voice mail system. While you’re happily working away, it could report whether it found another dead end (“Missed it by … that much!”), got disconnected (“Sorry about that chief.”) or whether it actually found a live human being (“Would you believe…?”)
There are dozens of other Things That Need Inventing out there I’m sure, and I’m open to suggestions for this list. Just remember, my name goes first on the patent and I get a 10 percent cut. I will just have to remember not to leave it in my pocket when I do the wash.