A while ago, at great personal risk (there was the potential for really deep paper cuts), I brought you a story about a shadowy, underground revolutionary group called the Gnome Liberation Front (GLF). Their purpose: to free garden Gnomes around the world from captivity, and end years of exploitation and “statuarial tyranny.”
Originally a European movement, I have now uncovered evidence that shows the GLF has operatives in North America. According to a Calgary Sun story, homeowners Tara and Keith Zalischuk reported that one of their garden Gnomes, “David” disappeared for several weeks last summer. They assumed he had been stolen by local vandals until one day he reappeared, a photo album of holiday memories at his side.
Now I suppose it’s possible that David’s trip really was a “holiday” and that there are many things a Gnome would like to see. If he were a gastrognome, for example, he might go to France for the food. Perhaps he’s a religious sort, an avid reader of Deuterognomy, and he wanted to see the Gnome of St. Peter in Italy.
Or perhaps David is a wild and crazy kind of Gnome who would visit the red light districts of Amsterdam, looking for both female and male action – making him bi-gnomial. He could even be into the group thing, making him poly-gnomial.
Of course I’m assuming David’s an urban kind of guy, you know, a metrognome. He might prefer a more rural holiday, and be something of an agrognomist.
But let’s not kid ourselves: do we really believe that David’s trip was an innocent little getaway? That he went to, say, Ireland, that tax haven for writers, to scout out a nice little cottage where he could spend his retirement writing under a gnome de plume? No! I think he is a revolutionary agent for the GLF operating under a gnome de guerre.
I suspect our gnomadic friend actually went overseas to recruit more agents for the North American wing and do some fund-raising (GLF members have to pay a yearly, gnominal fee). While he was there, he probably campaigned for official Gnome recognition and entry into the European Ecognomic Union (where they would be, owing to their size, in charge of microecognomics). And I would bet money that, while in England, he made a pilgrimage to that haunting site symbolizing the human exploitation of garden rockery, gnome henge.
Want proof? Just ask David as to why he keeps calling it the Human Gegnome Project, or why he spent so much time convincing the Zalischuks to make their home office ergognomic. Yes, when it comes to spreading propaganda, David is a real gnomepareil amongst his brethren.
Or if you really want to wind him up, ask him how he feels about the fact that Camille Sansnom, the gnome with the starring role in the movie Amelie, wasn’t gnominated for an Oscar or a Golden Globe.
I know what you’re thinking: that my concerns are unfounded and alarmist. That I’m just another journalist who’s into muckraking and sensationalism by appealing to the lowest common degnominator: fear.
If you don’t believe me, fine. Just don’t come crying when your neighbourhood turns into a gnome man’s land.
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