Holidays are hard for many people for many reasons, one of which can be realizing who’s not around the dinner table with you this year. That includes fur kids, because they’re family too.
We lost one of our [deep breath] Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retrievers this year. Ginger’s passing was an especially hard one for us, as she died too soon of a disease. Putting her ornament on the tree this weekend reminded me of a piece I’d written years ago, which I reproduce here with some additions. I hope it gives you fond memories of puppers past and present:
My dog, Taffy, passed away last week, I’m sad to say. As her brother, Rusty, left us two years ago, it was up to me to handle her estate. In amongst her personal effects (a blanket, several nylon bones, shares in Petsmart.com) I found a manuscript.
If the paw writing is anything to go by, it looks like both she and Rusty had worked on it over several years. It appears to be a collection of bits of dog wisdom, I thought it would be a good idea to share it, so that all those young pups out there could benefit from their considerable accumulated knowledge. Here it is:
The Spaniel Psalms
– Humans love variety. Therefore, if you must be ill, make sure you choose a new and unique spot on the carpet every time.
– Cars, especially black pickup trucks, are evil. The humans must be defended against them at all costs, whether this means lunging at them while out walking, or patrolling up and down the fence line all day. Humans don’t need flowers growing near their fence anyway.
– If you get caught eating your sister’s dry dog food or kibble, hastily spit it out on the floor, making a noise that sounds a lot like “ptooie!” The human will be laughing so hard that you can make a clean getaway.
– Humans like to feel secure. Make sure they know you’re on guard duty twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. A good way to do this is to bark, very loudly, at 3 a.m., even if there’s no reason to do so. If you are shushed, emit random growls for at least an hour, just to remind them that you’re doing this for their own good.
– Car rides and walks are fun. Ask for them every time someone goes near the door, the key rack, the television, the back stairs, the dining room…
– Bathtubs are horrible, awful places full of warm water and stinky, smelly, ghastly shampoos and soaps. Avoid them at all costs.
– Thunderstorms and fireworks are the devil’s own work. Keep safe by diving under the bed (whether you fit or not), shaking all night, or crawling up your human’s shirt. This is especially true if you’re a so called “sporting breed” or “gun dog.”
– Creeks are lovely, freezing cold, muddy places that smell of fish and rotting vegetation. Visit them often.
– The cardboard tubes from paper towel rolls are fun to carry around. Christmas wrapping paper tubes are even better though, because then you can sweep things right off the coffee table and get stuck going through doorways.
– Rocks make great collectibles. Gift them to your human at every opportunity. Pay no mind to how they shudder when the rocks scrape on your teefs.
– There is a big white box in the Kitchen. It is called a Refrigerator and it is full of Food. Poke your head inside it every time it is opened, you might get lucky. Also poke your head into all incoming grocery bags.
– Teach your human to play salad hockey while making their dinner. This is where they cut things like carrots up on the cutting board and flick them toward you. With practice, you’ll catch the ‘pucks’ before they hit the ground. Cabbage leaves are fun to catch too. Be sure to chew them into green slime and then spit them out.
– If you should forget that you’re a Person of Fur for a moment, and go feral enough to kill and eat a squirrel, wait until you’re inside to be sick. Your human will sympathize with you and also be sick.
– Humans need lots of exercise. Keep them active by asking to be let in or out every 10 minutes. Also, wait until they’ve walked to the back of the house or down to the basement before howling at the train.
– Library books must be thoroughly sniffed and test-blepped, just in case humans get the bright idea to take out a book on dog obedience. (If they do, chomp it.)
– When taken to the vet, start shaking and crying the minute you cross the railroad tracks on Victoria St. This will not halt the trip, but will make your human feel lousy all the way to the vet’s office. As it should.
– The butter dish is the ultimate prize. Watch carefully for when the humans leave it uncovered and unattended. Then eat ALL THE BUTTER. ALL OF IT.
– Rule of Paw for Shedding: Dark Clothes – White Fur, Light Clothes – Dark Fur. Also, you’re not shedding properly unless piles of loose fur collect in corners of the house, or you leave a furry silhouette on your human after a nap.
– Speaking of which, warm laps make the best places to snooze. This is especially true if your human is trying to play a video game.
– When you’re really happy, race around the whole house, leaping onto furniture and crashing into doors. Humans love this.
– When called to the door, a fun thing to do is to grab the sofa pillow and race outside and drop it. Humans really appreciate this on cold or rainy days.
– Snow is amazing. You should eat it, roll in it, collect it in your toe fur, and track it into the house.
– Oh yeah, ice cubes. Humans waste these in their drinks. Be sure to impose the Dog Tax on ice cubes every time they use them, and demand one to cronch, as Dog intended.
– Sneeze often and violently, especially if your human has just bent over to greet you.
– When visiting the beach, you must protect your human by biting every single incoming wave. It’s especially important to be aggressive and run right at the waves immediately, so don’t let anything like a leash hold you back, and certainly don’t let on to your human what you’re about to do, they might get spooked. Go deep into those waves, too!
– Never let your human out of your sight. If you get tired, make sure you fall asleep in a doorway, behind their office chair, or some other area where they’ll trip over you and alert you to their movements.
– It is your solemn duty to ask for a finger blep of whatever your human is drinking.
– Grin or smile when told to do something you don’t really want to do. You’ll be amazed at what humans will let slide.
– Humans need lots of water, and they’re forever buying skin moisturizer. Keep them damp and healthy by drinking lots of liquids and kissing them repeatedly.
– Humans do this weird thing where they bring a whole tree inside the house, even though you’re not allowed to bring sticks in. Somehow pine needles are fine, but chewing a stick into toothpicks is not. Anyway, there’s this Magic Sock that gets hung up on the hot place, and one morning after the tree comes in it fills with amazing pupper treats and toys. You MUST charge around with the new toy in your mouth for at least two hours or until you drop from exhaustion. Save a bit of energy to beg for Christmas breakfast sausages.
– When you go, know that you were your human’s best friend, and that you’ll be sorely missed.
What are your best pupper bits of wisdom? Post them in the comments.