Seven words I’ve come to dread and loathe: “Hey! What are you doing this weekend?”
Why? I’ve come to realize that these words are never followed up by suggestions of fun activities like golf games, ski trips, dinner theatre and so on. When people want to do things like this they phrase the question more specifically as in: “Hey! Wanna watch the hockey game on a 75″ screen at my house this weekend?”
When they are vague, you want to run the other way as quickly as your little legs can carry you. This is because those seven words are actually code for: “Hey! I’m moving this weekend and I need some suckers, er, volunteers to help!”
I don’t mind lending a hand, really I don’t. It’s just that helping people move is Good Intention Paving Stone #28 on the Road to Hell.
First of all, Moving Day nearly always has to start at the crack of dawn. Since I am not a member of that sub-species known as the Early Riser, this is not a good start. In fact, I sincerely believe that all generals throughout history who said things like “We attack at dawn!” should have been summarily shot, just on principle.
Another Moving Day rule appears to be that the weather must be bad. It can be clear skies and warm temperatures for days before and after, but on Moving Day itself, the temperature will drop to -50 degrees. Kelvin. It will also A) Rain, B) Snow C) Hail or D) All of the above, with cats and dogs thrown in for good measure.
Upon arrival at the soon-to-be-vacant residence, you will discover that your friend hasn’t begun packing yet. I usually anticipate this and bring about six months worth of old newspapers with me. I also bring a pair of gloves, because as someone who did time in the newspaper business, I have memorized this little known fact: newspaper ink only adheres to newsprint for about three minutes after it is published. After that, ink molecules actually jump off the surface of the paper and stick to the nearest object. (This is a survival method ink molecules use to prevent certain death in recycle bins and kitty litter boxes.)
After you finish packing, you will suddenly realize that your friend currently lives on the top floor of a 20-floor apartment building. This wouldn’t be so bad if the service elevator didn’t have a carrying capacity limit of 75.8 pounds. The bright side is that you will be able to skip your StairMaster workout for the next four years.
Once everything is packed, it’s usually smooth sailing from there… unless your friend is anal-retentive enough to frown on chucking furniture off the balcony. Actually, most furniture is easily moved, even if you have to do it the traditional way. Dishes can be put in boxes, tables can have leaves removed and beds can be dismantled.
There is always one difficult piece though: The Sofa.
I have a theory about sofas. I firmly believe that they are scientifically designed to absorb water from the air so that their size increases over time. I say this because even though the owner assures you the sofa came into the building with no problems, it never, ever fits through these same doorways, elevator shafts and stairwells. And if they didn’t like the balcony suggestion, the owner is likely to get quite testy about cutting off bits of sofa as the situation calls for it.
Once you have everything downstairs, it will turn out that the pickup truck your friend had borrowed for the occasion will not start. This means you will have to make 87 trips across town with furniture stuffed into his Honda Civic. Believe it or not, this is the time you want to wish for bad weather, because freezing rain will shellac a sofa onto the roof of a Civic very neatly. And in a pinch, broken light bulbs make great icepicks.
Provided you don’t lose anything in traffic, and the owner has actually got the right date for taking possession of his new residence, you can start moving things in. At this point it is revealed that he is moving onto the roof of a 35 floor apartment, and that while this service elevator has a larger carrying capacity, it is only available on Tuesdays between 3 and 4 a.m.
If you manage to get everything moved in less than 24 hours and with a minimum of broken bones, you will now get a hearty thanks from your friend. This is the time you want him or her to be vague. Yes indeedy, you want to hear something really indefinite and open-ended.
Something like… “Hey! If you ever need a favour, gimme a call, okay?”
Oh yes, I’ll be calling. Count on it.
Mick Plon
How true, how true !