There was a joke that was popular a few years ago when Bill Gates made it big, and it went something like this:
Q: What do you call that geek from your high school class after graduation?
A: Boss.
That’s a funny line and it probably makes high school much easier to bear for a lot of geeks. However, I’m here today to tell you that it is only true for three out of every 10 geeks. For the other seven, the joke should be:
Q: What do you call that geek from your high school class after graduation?
A: That @#$^%&! person in tech support.
I say this because I administer a few web sites and I spend a lot of time on the Internet. This means that I qualify for the Frequent Mousing Plan, and that I am developing a bad case of Computer Butt.
It also means that I occasionally need to report problems to tech support departments. I have dealt with several companies in half a dozen countries, and I can safely say that I have yet to actually receive technical assistance. I think this is because all tech support personnel are put through a rigorous training program that teaches them to use the following methods to deal with a support query:
STEP 1 – Assume the person requesting assistance is a moron.
STEP 2 – Tell them to check if their computer is plugged in.
STEP 3 – Tell them that the problem was due to “system maintenance” and that they should try again. Say, in a week or so.
STEP 4 – Give them a really long, complicated and technical sounding explanation that has nothing to do with the problem they’re asking about. The section marked “Warp Drive Plasma Injection Manifold Repair” from the Star Trek Encyclopedia is very useful here.
STEP 5 – Blame their computer.
STEP 6 – Stop answering their emails.
You think I’m joking, but sadly, I am not. Consider the following transcript from one of my recent bouts with the tech department of my web host:
ME: My web site is experiencing intermittent read timeout failures. They appear to be random. Sometime the site will be unreachable for five minutes, sometimes for five hours. My readers are complaining. What’s the problem?
TECH: Thanks for your feedback. We were able to bring up your website. Try typing http://www.ChandraKClarke.com into your browser.
ME: Hi, listen, I know what my website address is. I’m trying to tell you that it’s experiencing *random* failures. Yesterday it was unavailable from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. EST. What’s going on?
TECH: Thanks for your feedback. We were able to bring up your website.
ME: Gosh, I’m sure glad you can bring up the website, because apparently no one else on planet Earth can. You might be having SCSI bus problems. Can you go check?
TECH: Thanks for your feedback. We were able to bring up your website.
ME: Okay, perhaps I’m using too many syllables. Let’s try this: See Spot. See Spot Run. Run, Spot, run!
TECH: Thanks for your feedback. We were able to bring up your website.
ME: That’s what I thought. Hey, I have another question for you – will installing a Serge protector on my computer’s powerbar protect me from that lecherous French guy next door?
TECH: Thanks for your feedback. We were able to bring up your website.
ME: ASCII a silly question, get a silly ANSI. Did I tell you I was carrying a heavy computer today? I dropped it and it crashed. Now it has a slipped disk. I bet it megahertz.
TECH: Thanks for your feedback. We were able to bring up your website.
ME: Would you answer my tech problem if I offered you a cache incentive? Maybe if I told you that you had a hot baud?
TECH: Thanks for your feedback. We were able to bring up your website.
ME: What did the programmer say when he tried to make his own cable sweater? Knit one, Perl two.
TECH: Thanks for your feedback. We were able to bring up your website.
ME: Did I mention I’d set my laser printer on stun and that I’ve been known to go postal?
TECH: Thanks for your feedback. We were able to bring up your website.
ME: Thanks ever so much for all your great help. In closing, I have one more thing to say: byte me.
TECH: Thanks for your feedback. We were able to bring up your website.
So, dear readers, if you are experiencing technical problems, don’t bother contacting the vendor, manufacturer or webmaster. You will probably get more support from an 18 hour bra.
Funny one, typical for your average tech.
Believe they are taught from birth, to disregard any and all statements made by the customer.
They certainly do not get the British sense of humor, tends to fluster them, but it certainly makes my day.
Just had the pleasure of dealing with the technician from HP, what a joy and delight, actually had to teach him as he was going along.
Thanks for opening your website again.
Jeanette
Having been a level 2 & 3 support tech, I can assure you that many level 1 support staff is hired off the street with little or no background in a technical field. It’s been made worse by having the support jobs shipped to India.
As you have had zero support via email, I would suggest you phone the office of the hosting company. It may be that you have a valid complaint of “failure to provide adequate level of service.” This failure might require a monitory recompense. If the service has not improved within 15 days, you should consider legal action. Check your contract for things like “level of service for you website” & contractual obligations first. If you have a lawyer or a friend who is one, have a legal review of your contract.
Web hosting companies hate lawsuits. It will get their attention.
Best of luck to you.