So today I read about an exercise craze called “Nordic walking.”
This is like regular walking, only it requires the use of two sticks – you’re meant to use them like ski poles and push yourself along. Not just ordinary sticks of course, but carbon-fibre poles that retail for £70 (US $126).
Experts say that Nordic walking is better than regular walking because it forces you to move your upper body more, providing mobility, flexibility and a higher caloric burn. Oh, and because walking like a Nord is such hard work, gloves are required, to prevent blisters from handling those carbon-fibre poles.
Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of reading the news every day and learning that once again, I’m in the wrong business. So as of right now, I’m starting an exercise craze.
I’m going to call it “Canadian flailing.” There will be three kinds of Canadian flailing.
First, there’s beginner mode. This is where you stand in one spot, pretending that you’re experiencing a -30C Canadian winter. You must simulate the need to keep warm, so you gently bounce up and down in place, and make a patting, self-hugging motion with your arms.
Then there’s intermediate mode. This is where you must pretend you are cleaning the snow off your car with a brush. You must bend at the waist, stretch out, and make wide, sweeping motions. After each brush stroke, you must do a few minutes of the beginner mode.
Finally, there’s advanced mode. In any good Canadian winter, the ground around the car will be slick with hidden ice patches. So as you make your way around the car, you will suddenly find ice, and in order to keep your balance, you must flail your arms.
To recap then, the advanced mode of exercise will be: 1) Bounce and pat-hug, 2) Stretch and sweep, 3) Step, slide and flail, and 4) Repeat.
Clearly, to maximize the benefits of this hot, er, cold new exercise regime, you must purchase accessories. First, there is the ThermaParka Plus – a body suit weighing about 10 kg. This makes it difficult to move, forcing your muscles to work harder and burn more calories. The flail is particularly difficult in the outfit, which will help improve your balance and coordination. Of course, people new to Canadian flailing should purchase the Butt ProTech padding system for when a flail goes awry. Naturally, both accessories will be made of advanced, space age materials, which moisture wick, protect against UV rays, and emit ions to increase your, um, endorphins.
A genuine, weighted, Canadian snow brush will also be a must-have accessory. It will be hand crafted by the Inuit peoples of Baffin Island, with a handle made from only the finest polymers, and a brush constructed of durable nylon fibres. A deluxe version will be available for the truly discerning flailing enthusiast, made of moose antler and walrus whiskers.
For the truly rich, I shall create special Canada Units. For a mere $25,000 (Canadian dollars, of course), you will be able to recreate the cold of a Canadian winter in the comfort of your own home. It will come with ice and snow making machines, a turbo Newfoundland Blizzard Fan attachment and it will have three settings ranging from cold to coldest: Wimpy Minnesota Weather, Canadian July, and The Toronto Maple Leafs Win the Stanley Cup (also known as When Hell Freezes Over).
Since technique is very important, I’m starting a certification program to train flailing instructors. When you sign up for flailing classes or workshops, please ask the instructor to provide evidence that he or she is a Genuine Canadian Flailing Guru.
For those of you who live in thoroughly unhip neighbourhoods with no access to flailing studios, I’ll produce a series of flailing DVDs. Titles will include: Classic Flailing Techniques, Flailing For Life, MTV Flailing, and Flail Now! with Jim Carrey.
I mustn’t forget the Internet! I will start the Flailing Blog, and release flailing podcasts and ebooks. Obviously there must also be a flailing mailing list. I’ll try to keep the Hot Flailing Mamas Video! email spam to a minimum.
Does all this sound ridiculous? Maybe. But just remember…
This was the industry that sold you “exercise steps” for $70, even though you could have used the complete set of stairs in your home … for free.
Photo Credit: Rosa-Maria Rinkl, via Wikimedia Commons
Also published on Medium.