It’s amazing what you can find on the Internet. I just discovered, thanks to a casual reference on a website, a startling film that may well change the way you look at certain things, as well as change how you live.
No, I’m not talking about the global warming movie, “An Inconvenient Truth.” I’m talking about Jonathan King’s debut feature, “Black Sheep,” wherein a flock of innocent sheep is transformed into a pack of blood-thirsty killers.
Yes, that’s right. It’s a movie about killer sheep. Murdering mutton, if you will.
Reviews suggest that it is “as comical as it is terrifying” and further that “it is an outstanding contribution to the livestock gone amuck horror genre.”
Let me start by saying I didn’t know there even *was* a “livestock gone amuck” horror genre. Admittedly, it’s been a long time since I visited a video store, but I’m sure I’d remember a whole section of films like “When Good Ducks Go Bad” and “Goat Gore III — This Time The Humans Get Sacrificed.”
I haven’t seen the film yet, so I can only speculate as to the content. Do the sheep dress up in wolf’s clothing to fool unsuspecting farmers? Or do they simply pull the wool over the eyes of the local villagers? Or do they — yes, you’ve guessed it — show up as mutton dressed up like lamb, pretending innocence until they can do their worst?
And exactly how do sheep become killers, anyway? Your average sheep, even if full of murderous intent, is hardly well-equipped in the fang and claw department. Do the victims get flocked ’til they drop? Will we be introduced to a hitherto unknown martial art called “Nok Ewe Doun” (feature move: the mutton chop)? Perhaps the sheep gang up on their prey, taking them one at a time, and stretch them out on some torture device – for instance a rack… of lamb.
Presumably at some point in the movie, the humans stop being woolly-headed about their predicament. At that point they’ll be able to fight back, and the show will end with our heroes (probably a hunky young farmer and his trusty border collie) contemplating a six-month supply of shepherd’s pie. The peace will last until the movie producers read a follow-up story about Dolly the sheep and come up with: “Black Sheep: Episode II — Attack of the Clones.”
So how will this movie change your life? Well for one thing, if you go see this flick, you won’t ever be able to count sheep to fall asleep again. You may wake up in the middle of the night to find your toddler having nightmares too. “But everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to follow, mommy!”
If the movie becomes a hit, the tabloids will never be the same; we’ll be awash in sheep celeb stories. There will be a headline about a sheep who goes bankrupt, but who is discovered to have a closet full of Ray Baaan sunglasses. The Internet will be flooded with bootleg copies of a video of a private shearing session between the movie’s star sheep and several, ahem, “sheep of the night.”
And inevitably, there will be at least one of the flock who hits the sheep dip a little too hard. He’ll wrap his Lamborghini around a telephone pole one night, get arrested and make headlines for mouthing off about how the cows are responsible for all the wars of the world. Or worse, he’ll lead the police on a high speed chase across town, trying to take it on the lamb.
Right, I know, I’m sorry – this whole column has been full of sheep shots. I guess I just don’t want you to come away from this piece the way I’m sure you’ll come away from the movie.