There’s nothing like an empowering, encouraging and uplifting woman’s magazine to make you feel like you’re an utter failure as wife, mother and career type.
Stand in line at any grocery checkout these days and you’ll find no less than thirty of these things, all of which must assume that your life is a mess, because they offer endless advice on how to fix it. After much study (I have four children, so I spend a lot of time at the grocery store), I have decided that I am going to start a woman’s magazine. I’ve already worked out the formula for publishing success.
First, each issue must include something on weight loss. I’ll vary the type of article on a three month cycle. In the first month, there will be an article describing seven “miracle foods” that help you lose weight naturally. In the second month, we’ll discuss the latest herbal supplement/aromatherapy/ acupressure “breakthrough.” In the third month, I’ll throw in the latest diet plan. I figure that as long as it promises to help you lose 25 pounds by [insert upcoming holiday], any plan will do. After all, grown women with all their faculties have actually been known to follow things like the “cabbage soup diet.” When I want to boost sales, I’ll do a focus piece on plans like “the ice cream diet” or “the fried chicken diet.” [Aside: Will someone invent a Merlot diet? Please?]
Sprinkled throughout the magazine there must also be ideas on how to save money. For example, I might show readers how to avoid having to spend money on fancy curtain tiebacks by combining a toilet paper tube, some of junior’s finger paint and a bit of creativity. I will also need to print tips on how to save time, by, for instance, putting your foundation/cover makeup in a spray bottle for easier application in the morning. Stress-busting tips are also de rigueur, and must involve something that you wouldn’t think of on your own, like hanging upside down from your clothes rack to stretch and release your back muscles.
Of course no woman’s magazine would be worthy of the genre without a tempting dessert on the cover, preferably something that involves chocolate. The dessert must look like it was crafted by a team of highly trained pastry chefs. The headline should promise that you, with your chipped measuring cups, twenty-year-old bakeware and a busted sifter, can throw it together in ten minutes or less.
Now I have you feeling hopeful about shedding holiday pounds, guilty because you’re thinking about dessert, and kitchen impaired because your Light and Fluffy Chocolate Mousse could be used as masonry mortar. So it’s time to bring in fear.
This will also follow a three month article cycle. I’ll start with Death In Your Medicine Cabinet: Learn About the Everyday Medicine That Could Kill You! This will be followed up with Danger in the City: Get Street Smart Before It’s Too Late! I’ll finish the cycle with a bittersweet Katie’s Journey: Read About One Woman’s Struggle Against the Disease That’s Killing Thousands Daily.
Finally, no woman’s magazine would be complete without a story about sex (or if I want to publish another Cosmopolitan-style magazine, at least half a dozen articles). The good thing about this topic is that it hits all the right notes all over again. There’s hope (Spice Up Your Bedroom Life!), guilt (Why Your Spouse Feels Neglected), Fear (New Survey! Who’s Getting More Than You), and kitchen impaired (Wait, what?).
Right, I’m off to pen the inaugural issue. I have time for this because I used the spray bottle foundation trick this morning while hanging upside down from my closet organizer.