Chandra Clarke

Award-winning entrepreneur. Author. Professional Optimist.

And a One and a Two…

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Image Credit: Pixabay

Several of my pregnancy advice books assured me that getting back into shape afterward would be fun and easy. Baby, they said, would either be napping or happy to watch your routine. Even better, baby might want to participate, allowing for many lovely mother and child bonding moments.

Unfortunately, none of the guide books ever discussed how to work out with a baby around. So this week, I present Chandra’s Guide to Fitness While Raising Children:

Wake up bright and early in the morning. Have a cup of coffee to wake up and get that metabolism going.

Stand in shower for fifteen minutes wondering why you’re not getting clean and realize it’s because you’ve not turned on the water.

Have another cup of coffee. Have vague recollection of being awakened eight or nine times overnight for feedings.

Prepare workout area by laying out mat, hand weights etc.

Begin workout by accidentally stepping on Lego brick. Continue with four minutes of hopping up and down, yelping in pain.

Retrieve baby from crib, now that he’s awake. Quickly feed him breakfast before he realizes it may have been as much as an hour since he last ate.

Bring baby and playpen into bathroom and spend fifteen minutes in the shower removing the oatmeal from your hair.

Slip into something loose-fitting and comfortable, for example, none of the clothes you could fit into before you got pregnant.

Bring baby and playpen into living room and get into position for your workout. Start with a sit-up.

Pause to burp baby. Change clothes so you don’t get spit-up all over your workout mat.

Return to workout area. Attempt a warm-up stretch.

Stop to retrieve all the toys that have been fired out of the playpen. Spend fifteen minutes figuring out how to get Bear Bear out of the lampshade without damaging it.

Go back to the workout area. Try a push-up.

Wake up with a start when Bear Bear bounces off your head. Crawl to the coffee pot for another hit.

Feed junior his mid-morning snack. Burp him and pat him off to sleep.

Tiptoe back to your workout area. Catch sight of the kitchen. Curse as you realize you have company coming in the evening. Spend fifteen minutes tidying up.

Go back to the mat. Pause to answer the phone. Spend five minutes explaining to the caller that no, you don’t have an account with Zippity Wireless, and yes, you’re sure your name isn’t Gary Kowarski.

Go and get baby, who woke up when the phone rang. Say something very rude about Zippity Wireless and then explain to baby that really, you shouldn’t use words like that.

Remove baby’s wet diaper. Realize you forgot to throw the washed diapers in the dryer last night. Get them started and lay baby out on a large towel on the linoleum and hand him a few toys.

Answer the door to accept a package. Try not to say rude words to deliveryman who provides impromptu lecture on proper childcare after spotting baby on the towel.

Successfully complete five sit-ups. Lay there for several minutes, exhausted, wondering if childbirth wasn’t easier. Decide it most definitely was not.

Slither over to coffee pot. Discover it’s empty. Resort to chewing the grounds.

Mop up around the baby. Retrieve dry diapers, put one on him, and feed him lunch.

Answer the door. Have chat with annoying skinny neighbour who keeps asking when she’ll see you out for a brisk morning power walk.

Close door and mutter about your neighbour. Explain to baby he shouldn’t use any of those words you just said either.

Bring baby over to workout mat. Lay down, raise baby above head for a few arm lifts. Enjoy the giggles and repeat a few times.

Stop to clean up the spit up.

Attempt to do a few sit-ups while holding baby for that extra challenge.

When your back muscle stops twanging, drag self to phone and put in call to husband to arrange car ride to chiropractor.

Shove workout equipment into closet. Consider taking it out again when junior is in school.

 

Walk On

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Nordic_Walking_im_Wald

So today I read about an exercise craze called “Nordic walking.”

This is like regular walking, only it requires the use of two sticks – you’re meant to use them like ski poles and push yourself along. Not just ordinary sticks of course, but carbon-fibre poles that retail for £70 (US $126).

Experts say that Nordic walking is better than regular walking because it forces you to move your upper body more, providing mobility, flexibility and a higher caloric burn. Oh, and because walking like a Nord is such hard work, gloves are required, to prevent blisters from handling those carbon-fibre poles.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of reading the news every day and learning that once again, I’m in the wrong business. So as of right now, I’m starting an exercise craze.

I’m going to call it “Canadian flailing.” There will be three kinds of Canadian flailing.

First, there’s beginner mode. This is where you stand in one spot, pretending that you’re experiencing a -30C Canadian winter. You must simulate the need to keep warm, so you gently bounce up and down in place, and make a patting, self-hugging motion with your arms.

Then there’s intermediate mode. This is where you must pretend you are cleaning the snow off your car with a brush. You must bend at the waist, stretch out, and make wide, sweeping motions. After each brush stroke, you must do a few minutes of the beginner mode.

Finally, there’s advanced mode. In any good Canadian winter, the ground around the car will be slick with hidden ice patches. So as you make your way around the car, you will suddenly find ice, and in order to keep your balance, you must flail your arms.

To recap then, the advanced mode of exercise will be: 1) Bounce and pat-hug, 2) Stretch and sweep, 3) Step, slide and flail, and 4) Repeat.

Clearly, to maximize the benefits of this hot, er, cold new exercise regime, you must purchase accessories. First, there is the ThermaParka Plus – a body suit weighing about 10 kg. This makes it difficult to move, forcing your muscles to work harder and burn more calories. The flail is particularly difficult in the outfit, which will help improve your balance and coordination. Of course, people new to Canadian flailing should purchase the Butt ProTech padding system for when a flail goes awry. Naturally, both accessories will be made of advanced, space age materials, which moisture wick, protect against UV rays, and emit ions to increase your, um, endorphins.

A genuine, weighted, Canadian snow brush will also be a must-have accessory. It will be hand crafted by the Inuit peoples of Baffin Island, with a handle made from only the finest polymers, and a brush constructed of durable nylon fibres. A deluxe version will be available for the truly discerning flailing enthusiast, made of moose antler and walrus whiskers.

For the truly rich, I shall create special Canada Units. For a mere $25,000 (Canadian dollars, of course), you will be able to recreate the cold of a Canadian winter in the comfort of your own home. It will come with ice and snow making machines, a turbo Newfoundland Blizzard Fan attachment and it will have three settings ranging from cold to coldest: Wimpy Minnesota Weather, Canadian July, and The Toronto Maple Leafs Win the Stanley Cup (also known as When Hell Freezes Over).

Since technique is very important, I’m starting a certification program to train flailing instructors. When you sign up for flailing classes or workshops, please ask the instructor to provide evidence that he or she is a Genuine Canadian Flailing Guru.

For those of you who live in thoroughly unhip neighbourhoods with no access to flailing studios, I’ll produce a series of flailing DVDs. Titles will include: Classic Flailing Techniques, Flailing For Life, MTV Flailing, and Flail Now! with Jim Carrey.

I mustn’t forget the Internet! I will start the Flailing Blog, and release flailing podcasts and ebooks. Obviously there must also be a flailing mailing list. I’ll try to keep the Hot Flailing Mamas Video! email spam to a minimum.

Does all this sound ridiculous? Maybe. But just remember…

This was the industry that sold you “exercise steps” for $70, even though you could have used the complete set of stairs in your home … for free.

Photo Credit: Rosa-Maria Rinkl, via Wikimedia Commons

Incoming search terms: nordic walking, fitness trends, fitness fads, exercise fads

Repositioning Yourself

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yoga
This hurts to look at. (Photo credit: GO INTERACTIVE WELLNESS)

First it was tae bo kick boxing. Then yoga was all the rage. Then came Pilates. After that, fusion programs became trendy — things like yolates and piloga. And you just know that someone, somewhere, is working on a kick boxing version of ashtanga power yoga. (“Peace be with you.” *Thwack!*)

As a parent, business person and writer, I find it hard to make time for exercise. Thus, not to be outdone in the trendsetting department, I have come up with my own program: Yoga for Parents. I believe that it will be easy for most parents to incorporate the following routine into their daily schedule:

Sun Too Soon: Begin with this posture, first thing in the morning. Use the left hand to gracefully pull the blankets over your head while the right hand snakes out to push down the snooze button of your alarm.

Drunken Master Walk: After several reps of Sun Too Soon, make your way to the bathroom. Let yourself bounce gently off the hall walls. Breathe deeply with each impact to bring yourself to partial wakefulness.

Power Shower: Place both hands in a choke hold around the shower head and let yourself dangle from it while the water cascades over your body. This will stretch and tone the arm muscles, while loosening the back and shoulder muscles.

Java Warrior: With both hands wrapped around your mug, take long, deep gulps of your morning coffee. Don’t forget your breathing.

Hands Cover Ears: Use this posture to approach your child’s bedroom, especially if they are awake and exceedingly hungry. It will help you retain some semblance of the peace you were enjoying before Sun Too Soon.

The Octopus: Pin the child with two hands, unbutton jammies with another two hands, remove diaper with two hands, hold nose with one hand. Use remaining hands to prepare new diaper and put it on.

The Squid: Use two hands to feed child. Moving constantly and quickly, use remaining hands to catch flying food, wipe nearby surfaces, and guard your clothing. This is an advanced routine, but with practice, you’ll be able to catch all the food bits before they hit ground.

The Nose Bridge: Throughout the day, bring two fingers to the bridge of your nose in a pinching motion. This will relieve stress and bring a momentary sense of peace.

The Cow Pasture: Use exaggerated leg movements to both improve range of motion and proceed with caution through the debris field that is your child’s play area. Stepping on a plastic toy disturbs your aura nearly as much as stepping in a cow pie. Stepping on and squishing Woodsy the Bear will also really disturb your child’s aura.

Java Warrior Redux: As the day wears on, you may find you need to repeat this movement to maintain peak productivity.

The Toe Deflects: While stirring the pot for dinner, move one leg in a slow arc to carefully redirect your child from the stove/garbage pail/cupboard/other half dozen things he’s trying to get into while you’re cooking.

One Hand Clapping: Children should be praised for their accomplishments, but this can be difficult when you’re cooking/cleaning/trying to run your business. Use this movement to reinforce good behaviour.

The Crane: If you find yourself unable to get away from the phone (talkative neighbour, telemarketer, on hold with utility company), use this posture to keep an eye on your youngster.

The Hummingbird: A quick darting movement may become necessary after The Crane, say, if you spot your child shinnying up the lamp post.

Fireman’s Lift: When it’s time for bed, sneak up on your child, scoop him up, and put him over your shoulder. It may be necessary to adapt The Octopus to keep him from squirming away or grabbing door jambs en route to his crib.

Downward Facing Dad: At days end, you will find you have no problem adopting this pose for slumbering purposes. Indeed, the only issue will be making sure you are near the bed when the posture takes you.