Chandra Clarke

Award-winning entrepreneur. Author. Professional Optimist.

Kids and dogs like me

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A cute sleeping dog
You know what they say about this kind.

Every once and a while, researchers will announce a discovery that so dumbfounds you, you just want to smack your forehead and say: “Why didn’t I think to get a job that pays me big bucks to announce things that everyone already knew?”

For example, one of the most recent dispatches from “The Department of Blindingly Obvious Scientific Results” is the discovery that teenagers sleep in on weekends because… they don’t get enough sleep during the week.

The study, conducted in Denver, Colorado, also proved one very important theory: that researchers don’t actually have teenagers of their own at home. Otherwise, they could easily provide answers to what I know will be the questions in their next study: that is, WHY don’t teenagers get enough sleep during the week. I will bet money that they’ll discover that:

1. Teenagers stay up too late talking to friends on the phone.
2. Teenagers stay up too late talking to friends on the Internet.
3. Teenagers stay up too late talking to friends at the mall.
4. Their teachers are really rude and keep waking them up in class.

Okay, you laugh, but in doing so you miss the really, really important discovery of this study: in order to get these results, a group of adults somehow managed to get more than 700 teenagers to say something other than “mmph.” If we could duplicate their technique, it would change family dynamics around the world.

Meanwhile, scientists based in New Hampshire and Montreal have learned that when babies babble, they are actually trying to learn how to talk. Apparently, before now, researchers believed that baby babbling was just mouth exercise. (Known in scientific circles by the technical term, “flapping your gums.”)

The study authors came to their conclusion by observing that babbling babies opened the right side of their mouth more than their left. Your right side is controlled by your left brain hemisphere, which is in charge of speech, ergo, their conclusion. My question is, how do you open the right side of your mouth more than the left? Also: Just what the heck does ergo mean, anyway?

What this new theory proves is that researchers don’t actually have any babies at home either. Now I think it’s highly significant that scientists don’t seem to have either babies or teenagers. This means we have no hard data on whether there’s a connection between having babies and having teenagers and so we can’t prevent another outbreak.

Possibly the best study of all though, was the one released from the University of California, that said that dogs are actually smarter than we thought.

First, there is the shocking news that dogs can probably count. Having been owned by two Brittany Spaniels at one time, I can verify these results. Early in their puppyhood, Rusty and Taffy established a mid-morning snack that involved not one, but two biscuits. Each. If I gave out only one apiece, they would look at me adoringly with their big brown eyes before dragging me off to the kitchen by the ankles for a refill.

The other finding was that dogs may actually be trying to convey different emotions when they bark. Imagine! As luck would have it, the Japanese toy maker Takara has just unveiled a gadget that translates dog barks into one of six human emotions. I obtained one of these gadgets and went out to interview the neighbourhood dogs. The translations:

Bow wow? – (Confused) Hey, where’s my biscuit?

BARKSNARLSNAP!! – (Angry) Who said you could walk on the grass?!!

Zzzzzzzzzzz – (Sleepy) [I didn’t ask this dog any more questions. You know what they say about letting sleeping dogs lie.]

WOOFWOOFWOOF! – (Happy) Let’s-play-fetch-let’s-play-fetch-let’s-play-fetch

Ruff. Sniffle. Ruff. – (Sad) Bummer. I just had a bath.

Bwahahahahahaha! – (Laughter) Didn’t all those humans reading that column look funny trying to open just the left side of their mouth?

iWag the Dog

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dogs-430192_1280

With the cure for cancer still on the distant horizon, a group of students at MIT has decided to create a digital dog collar. The project was for a MIT Media Lab class in which they were asked to come up with user-friendly computer tools.

Called SNiF (Social Networking in Fur), the collar had many functions. First, onboard sensors would record a dog’s interactions with other dogs equipped with SNiFs (as opposed to other dogs equipped with sniffers).

Further, the owner could press buttons on a leash to tag the interaction as being friendly or unfriendly. These interactions were recorded on a secure web page, where an owner (or perhaps the dog) could look up the dog’s walking and interaction history. A sample history (which, if you had a retriever, might be called a lab report) might look like this:

October 31

Encountered: Rover

Dog Type: Jack Russell

Duration: 3.4 minutes

Tag: Friendly

November 2

Encountered: Patches

Dog Type: Miniature Chihuahua

Duration: 1.2 seconds

Tag: Owner stepped on Patches. Patches no longer in database.

November 3

Encountered: Muffin

Dog Type: Pit Bull

Duration: 1 hour, 45 minutes

Tag: Painful. Stitches coming out on Friday.

November 4

Encountered: Yorks

Dog Type: Yorkie

Duration: 20 minutes

Tag: Bark worse than bite.

November 5

Encountered: Goober

Dog Type: St. Bernard

Duration: 1 minute

Tag: Wet

When out on a walk, the collar would display various light patterns to tell the owner if they were approaching a friendly former acquaintance or a foe. Obviously, this provides an excellent backup system in case your dog’s sense of smell ever fails, his tail falls off, or his bark disappears.

A spokesperson for MIT, Emily Pallamore, was quoted as saying: “The SNiF collar would make it possible for the dogs to get together with their chums without my having to set up an inconvenient and possibly socially awkward play date.” To my mind, this statement brings up several issues:

  1. Given that dogs sniff each other’s patoots by way of greeting, exactly what qualifies as a “socially awkward” play date in the dog world?
  2. Somewhere in the world there are people who, in all seriousness, not only set up play dates for their dogs but worry about the possibility of social awkwardness during same.
  3. Whatever Ms. Pallamore was paid for saying that, in public, with a straight face, it wasn’t enough.

To be fair, in addition to helping you deal with dog socializing stress, the collar had a potentially very useful lost dog function. Assuming your dog was still wearing his collar, you could attempt to track down your pooch by checking what other dogs he’s interacted with since his escape. In this case a sample history might look like this:

November 5

Encountered: Missy

Dog Type: Poodle

Duration: 10 minutes

Tag: Very friendly. Puppies on the way.

November 5

Encountered: Sasha

Dog Type: Poodle

Duration: 10 minutes

Tag: Very friendly. More puppies on the way.

November 5

Encountered: Powderpuff

Dog Type: Poodle

Duration: 10 minutes

Tag: Very friendly. Still more puppies on the way.

Actually this brings up a point: what happens when the dog and the owner disagree about how to judge an encounter? Clearly, your dog would judge interactions with Missy, Sasha, and Powderpuff as being tops, but I’m thinking you’d like to avoid the owners of these dogs – else you’d be looking after the results of all that poodle canoodling.

And just how secure will the collar transmissions and web pages be? Will other dogs be able to dig up dirt on their playmates? Fetch data on who has been seeing who? Will Fifi get hot under the digital collar if Fido doesn’t show any fidelity?

I’m pretty sure she’d have a bone to pick with him. And you know what they say: every dog has it’s day.

 m here does not imply her endorsement or warranty.

Woofing Down Your Food

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Guarding the fridge?
You shall not pass.

Some years ago, the folks at MIT Media Lab were working on an electronic pooch that was designed to help you stick to your diet. Wirelessly hooked up to your pedometer, your digital daily food diary and your digital bathroom scales, the dog would keep track of your progress. When you ask it, “How am I doing?” it would bark and wag its tail in an excited manner if you’d been good. Cheat on your diet, and it would flop to the ground and play sad music.

I’m a big fan of robotics, and I applaud the sentiments behind the project. Obesity is an, um, increasing problem worldwide and we need original solutions.

However, I think this particular project was barking up the wrong refrigerator. For one thing, it’s highly unfair to use a dog as a diet aid. Dogs are basically a stomach on four legs; in fact, I bet even a robotic dog could be bribed with a pork chop to ‘look the other way’ on your diet infractions.

For another thing, using a dog the size of an Aibo puts it at a distinct disadvantage. Here’s a quick quiz: How many times have you been tempted to kick that yappy terrier across the road? How likely are you to punt a dog who’s just given you a ‘paws down’ on your diet?

The no-mooching pooch system also required that you have 1) a pedometer, 2) a PDA or smart phone 3) a digital scale. In my experience, the people who own pedometers are those annoying, already hyperfit types. You know, the sort that smile while jogging, actually enjoy those cardboardy meal replacement bars, and who say irritating things like “no pain, no gain!” Here’s another quiz: How many times have you been tempted to kick that pedometer-owning runner that goes past your place every day at 5 a.m.?

A technology-based approach is a problem. Electronic gadgets are expensive, and research seems to indicate that it’s the poorest who suffer the most from obesity. There’s also the question of your technical ability — when your diet dog flashes “12:00” at you because you can’t figure out how to reset it, do you take that as a good report or a bad one?

You also just know that something like this would be subject to the same problems computers have. The email spam your diet dog would receive would either be depressing (LOSE WEIGHT FASTER TODAY! NEW PILLS!), or cruel (ORDER CHOCOLATE ONLINE NOW).

I think if we’re going to have robotic dog diet aids, why not put the dog to better use?

Guard dog: Even if you do succeed in getting past it to that cheesecake, you will have burned off lots of calories in the fight.

A bone to pick: Portion sizes too large? Robodog is pre-programmed to steal and bury the excess.

Dog bites man: Did you sneak a cookie? A dog bite in your ample behind should be an excellent source of what psychologists call “negative reinforcement.”

Dog goes walkabout: If you haven’t had enough exercise today, your dog will drag you out for a walk.

Woman AND man’s best friend: A very smart robotic dog would work out the source of the milk bone treats and just quietly bury the house weigh scales and pedometer. Think of it as a “don’t bark, don’t tell” policy.

Really though, I think roboticists would do much better to focus on developing more automatons for the house. I already own a robot vacuum; I love my dishwasher. I will buy the robot floor washer some day, and the automatic lawnmower as soon as I can afford one. Needless to say, I’m also hoping for a robotic clothes iron, and an automatic toy picker upper; I’m sure my husband would like a device that would follow me around to collect all my stray coffee cups, my misplaced glasses, and lost car keys.

But as for robot diet dogs, well… I think it’s safe to say that idea is pooched.

 

Photo Credit: Chandra Clarke (These are our dogs, Ginger and Sasha)

Dogged Determination

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Image Credit: Pixabay

This week, from the department of teaching old dogs new tricks: Bonnie Bergin wants you to teach your dog to read.

Bergin, who is well-respected as a dog trainer and who also has a background in human education, says the idea isn’t as far… er… fetched as you might think. She reminds us that dogs can be trained to sniff out drugs and bombs, or guide a blind person across a busy intersection, so why not train them to read? She believes that the average dog can be compared to a two or three-year-old human child in terms of cognitive abilities.

I have no doubt that dogs are smart enough to be taught to read at a limited level; I’ve met some pretty smart dogs in my time, some of whom were smarter than their owners. And comparing dogs to toddlers is probably accurate. Thankfully dogs aren’t subject to as many temper tantrums.

I do wonder though, at the wisdom of teaching man’s best friend how to read. Students of history will tell you that the consequences of one group suddenly becoming literate can be disastrous for another group.

For example, consider the dog food industry. For years, dogs have been happily chowing down on dry kibble concoctions or suspect tins of meat-like food. Teach them how to read and suddenly they discover ingredient lists.

ROVER: Grrr. What exactly is “chicken by-product?”
YOU: Um…chicken parts made from a process not intended to produce, er, chicken parts.
ROVER: You mean I’m not getting genuine drumsticks here?
YOU: Uh, no.
ROVER: Thighs? A nice bit of wing?
YOU: Er…
ROVER: Has this food even been waved *over* any real chicken? Or have I been eating beak bits all my life?

On the domestic assistance front, forget having Fido fetch your daily newspaper. Or more accurately, Fido will gladly fetch the paper, but won’t hand it over. At least not until he’s done with the sports section.

Your relationship with your dog will change significantly as well. For instance, I suspect dogs will still enjoy chasing after balls, but certain aspects of the game may have to change.

YOU: [Throwing ball] There you go girl!
LASSIE: Sorry to be a pain, but did you wash your hands first?
YOU: What?
LASSIE: Before you picked up the ball, I mean? Did you wash up?
YOU: I don’t understand.
LASSIE: It’s just that I was reading the other day about how human hands have 3000 times as many germs as the inside of a dog’s mouth, and, well, no offence, but…

The Internet will never be the same again either. Once they know how to read, dogs will realize that those boxes humans sit in front of for hours are intensely interesting. Keyboard and mouse manufacturers will suddenly have a whole new market for canine usable (dogernomic?) access devices. Dogs will set up their own Amazon.com wish lists (with titles like “Good Owners, Great Dogs” and “Dog Heroes”). They’ll surf for dog porn, write doggie mail, and use instant messaging (“I be K9? U?”) The Internet will change so profoundly it will be a dog com revolution.

You won’t be able to trick them into a trip to the veterinarian’s office, as they’ll be able to read the street signs along the way. Worse, they may be able to work out how to reprogram your car’s navigation system so you end up at the ice cream stand instead. Walks will not be to the park anymore, they’ll be to the local library. Dogs won’t greet each other by sniffing each other’s behinds; instead they’ll read each other’s dog tags. And you’ll find your chequing account won’t reconcile to your cheque book, because a certain furry member of the household has been making donations to the local humane society.

And if your dog works out you can use the phone book to order take-out?

You’ll be pooched.