Chandra Clarke

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Suspicions Confirmed

January 7, 2022 By Chandra Clarke Leave a Comment

Finally, a scientist has confirmed what I have long suspected: my dog laughs.

According to work done by Patricia Simonet, an animal behavior researcher at Sierra Nevada College, when dogs pant on a hot day, or from exertion, there’s a certain rhythm and pattern to the sound they make. Roughly translated, the sounds mean exactly what you’d think they’d mean: “I’m hot” or “I’m tired” or sometimes even, “Man, I could really go for a cold beer and a bowl of kibble.”

When dogs are playing, on the other hand, the panting sounds quite different. It’s a more explosive sound that hits a wider range of frequencies, and researchers have likened it to a laugh. Roughly translated, the sounds would be written as, “Bwahahahahaha! Woof!”

I know many of you will be wondering just why this study took place, and whether or not your tax dollars went to support it.

First, I’d like to remind you that many scientists who started out in dog research went on to describe important theories about human behavior. Consider Ivan Pavlov who basically spent most of his career training dogs to dribble on command. He discovered two things: 1) Waterproof shoes are important in the lab. 2) As a result of “conditioning,” (previous experience), when presented with a “stimulus” (a huge mobile phone bill), people will have an immediate, “conditioned response” (throwing up).

Second, there are worse things to research. Case in point: Jaak Panksepp of Bowling Green University has discovered that rats chirp or squeak when you tickle them. Given that rats aren’t exactly cootchie-coo material, I think this man ought to be given the Nobel Prize for Most Fingers Donated In The Name Of Science. And I can only hope he doesn’t try studying this effect in other animals:

Lab Notes, Day 2: Assistant tickled Fluffy the Tarantula. Noises recorded best described as follows: “Ssssnicker. Sssssnicker. Ssss-ARRRRRRRRRRGH!” Suspect last noise was from assistant, not Fluffy.

Lab Notes, Day 3: Assistant attempted to tickle Petunia the Polar Bear, using the remaining non-swollen fingers of his left hand. Noises recorded best described as follows: “Heh heh. Heheheheh. CHOMP. Gulp.” Curious. Must request funding to develop English-Polar Bear dictionary to find out what ‘chomp’ might mean. Must also find another assistant.

At any rate, now that we know that dogs are capable of laughing, it will be interesting to learn more about the canine sense of humour. What makes a dog laugh? In the case of pit bull terriers, the answer to that question is easy: just show them pictures of French poodles. But what of other breeds? Would they enjoy a night of sit-up comedy at the cabaret? Would they require a dog and pony show?

And what about cats? Because cats are, to use the scientific term, ‘stuck up,’ so far the only recorded and translated noise we have to date is ‘Sniff! Hmph!’

One thing we might try is sitting a cat in front of a new industrial strength, automatic animal washing machine, invented by Eduardo Segura and Andres Diaz. The device has a series of nozzles that wash and massage from every direction; an owner can watch his dog’s bath session through a large glass door. I suspect that if a cat is ever caught laughing on tape, it will sound like: “Hch. Hchhch. Spin cycle! Hchchchch.”

At least it will until the cat realizes that it’s going to be the next one into the machine. Then the dog will have the last laugh, which makes sense, because as everyone knows… every dog has its day.

Photo by Jonathan Daniels on Unsplash

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Giving you paws for thought

October 2, 2018 By Chandra Clarke 1 Comment

The same, but different. Also: hungry

Researchers have recently discovered some amazing things about dogs that will absolutely astound you … if you’re a cat owner.

In one study, scientists found that dogs may have personalities. That is, dogs apparently have enough unique characteristics and traits that you can actually tell them apart.

If you’ve ever been owned by more than one dog, you know this already. However, as a self-confessed dog companion you have shown yourself to be mentally suspect, and thus scientists don’t trust your judgement. This is because you regularly allow yourself to be smooched by something that may have just drunk out of the toilet.

So, how did scientists come up with hard proof of doggy differences? They recruited a thousand Labrador Retrievers and had them fill out the “What’s Your Party Style?” quiz in a recent issue of Cosmopolitan magazine. A control group of was asked to complete the “Which Star Trek Captain Do You Most Resemble?” quiz. (Incidentally, scientists had to choose this particular breed; otherwise it wouldn’t have been a lab test.)

The results showed that 40 percent of the test subjects wanted to play phaser fetch with James T. Kirk, while 30 percent wanted to discuss time travel with Captain Janeway over a cup of coffee. The remaining subjects went to the door and asked to be let out.

Okay, not really. What the study did do was have dog owners rate their dogs for various personality traits (aggressiveness, curiosity, friendliness) and then had strangers rate the dogs the same way. Most of the time, the owner’s assessment and the stranger’s assessment agreed, thus proving that dogs probably do have recognizably different personalities. Either that or they downloaded the personality test answers for their owners from the Internet.

A second, more interesting bit of research has demonstrated that dogs are very good at reading human social cues — better, in fact, than their cousin the wolf, or our cousin, the chimpanzee.

In this study, a graduate student approached a group of dogs, a group of chimpanzees and a pack of wolves, pointed at a wet spot on the carpet, and said “Bad! Very bad!”

No less than 100 percent of the dogs responded by ducking and whining apologetically. About half of the chimpanzees threw a banana at the investigator, while the other half pointed indignantly at the dog. No one is sure what happened with the wolves, as they’re still waiting for the graduate student to get out of hospital.

Right, okay, what really happened was that researchers hid a bit of food under one of two cups. The experimenter would then indicate which of the two cups the animal should investigate by either looking at the right cup or gesturing at it. Dogs were much better at recognizing the clues given by the human.

Again though, if you have ever been owned by a dog, you know this already. This is because you have to spell things like “car ride” or “cupcake” or “veterinarian” so that your dog won’t know what you’re talking about. Your dog will wake from a sound sleep and go to the door because he can tell you’re wrapping up that phone call. Or she will hide because she can tell that’s flea shampoo you’ve just taken out of the medicine cabinet, and not your own body wash and loofah.

Will there ever be definitive proof about cat personalities or a cat’s ability to read humans? We’ll need more subtle and sophisticated tests. When asked to fill out the personality quiz, 95 percent of cats tested bit the investigator’s ankle and wandered off. When asked to find the food under the cup, 97 percent of cats scratched the investigator’s ankle and wandered off.

So for now I guess, the dog is having its day, while the cat remains resolutely out of the bag.

Image credit: Me

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Kids and dogs like me

March 5, 2018 By Chandra Clarke 5 Comments

Every once and a while, researchers will announce a discovery that so dumbfounds you, you just want to smack your forehead and say: “Why didn’t I think to get a job that pays me big bucks to announce things that everyone already knew?”

For example, one of the most recent dispatches from “The Department of Blindingly Obvious Scientific Results” is the discovery that teenagers sleep in on weekends because… they don’t get enough sleep during the week.

The study, conducted in Denver, Colorado, also proved one very important theory: that researchers don’t actually have teenagers of their own at home. Otherwise, they could easily provide answers to what I know will be the questions in their next study: that is, WHY don’t teenagers get enough sleep during the week. I will bet money that they’ll discover that:

1. Teenagers stay up too late talking to friends on the phone.
2. Teenagers stay up too late talking to friends on the Internet.
3. Teenagers stay up too late talking to friends at the mall.
4. Their teachers are really rude and keep waking them up in class.

Okay, you laugh, but in doing so you miss the really, really important discovery of this study: in order to get these results, a group of adults somehow managed to get more than 700 teenagers to say something other than “mmph.” If we could duplicate their technique, it would change family dynamics around the world.

Meanwhile, scientists based in New Hampshire and Montreal have learned that when babies babble, they are actually trying to learn how to talk. Apparently, before now, researchers believed that baby babbling was just mouth exercise. (Known in scientific circles by the technical term, “flapping your gums.”)

The study authors came to their conclusion by observing that babbling babies opened the right side of their mouth more than their left. Your right side is controlled by your left brain hemisphere, which is in charge of speech, ergo, their conclusion. My question is, how do you open the right side of your mouth more than the left? Also: Just what the heck does ergo mean, anyway?

What this new theory proves is that researchers don’t actually have any babies at home either. Now I think it’s highly significant that scientists don’t seem to have either babies or teenagers. This means we have no hard data on whether there’s a connection between having babies and having teenagers and so we can’t prevent another outbreak.

Possibly the best study of all though, was the one released from the University of California, that said that dogs are actually smarter than we thought.

First, there is the shocking news that dogs can probably count. Having been owned by two Brittany Spaniels at one time, I can verify these results. Early in their puppyhood, Rusty and Taffy established a mid-morning snack that involved not one, but two biscuits. Each. If I gave out only one apiece, they would look at me adoringly with their big brown eyes before dragging me off to the kitchen by the ankles for a refill.

The other finding was that dogs may actually be trying to convey different emotions when they bark. Imagine! As luck would have it, the Japanese toy maker Takara has just unveiled a gadget that translates dog barks into one of six human emotions. I obtained one of these gadgets and went out to interview the neighbourhood dogs. The translations:

Bow wow? – (Confused) Hey, where’s my biscuit?

BARKSNARLSNAP!! – (Angry) Who said you could walk on the grass?!!

Zzzzzzzzzzz – (Sleepy) [I didn’t ask this dog any more questions. You know what they say about letting sleeping dogs lie.]

WOOFWOOFWOOF! – (Happy) Let’s-play-fetch-let’s-play-fetch-let’s-play-fetch

Ruff. Sniffle. Ruff. – (Sad) Bummer. I just had a bath.

Bwahahahahahaha! – (Laughter) Didn’t all those humans reading that column look funny trying to open just the left side of their mouth?

Image by Fran_Mother_Of_Dogs from Pixabay

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iWag the Dog

June 5, 2017 By Chandra Clarke Leave a Comment

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With the cure for cancer still on the distant horizon, a group of students at MIT has decided to create a digital dog collar. The project was for a MIT Media Lab class in which they were asked to come up with user-friendly computer tools.

Called SNiF (Social Networking in Fur), the collar had many functions. First, onboard sensors would record a dog’s interactions with other dogs equipped with SNiFs (as opposed to other dogs equipped with sniffers).

Further, the owner could press buttons on a leash to tag the interaction as being friendly or unfriendly. These interactions were recorded on a secure web page, where an owner (or perhaps the dog) could look up the dog’s walking and interaction history. A sample history (which, if you had a retriever, might be called a lab report) might look like this:

October 31

Encountered: Rover

Dog Type: Jack Russell

Duration: 3.4 minutes

Tag: Friendly

November 2

Encountered: Patches

Dog Type: Miniature Chihuahua

Duration: 1.2 seconds

Tag: Owner stepped on Patches. Patches no longer in database.

November 3

Encountered: Muffin

Dog Type: Pit Bull

Duration: 1 hour, 45 minutes

Tag: Painful. Stitches coming out on Friday.

November 4

Encountered: Yorks

Dog Type: Yorkie

Duration: 20 minutes

Tag: Bark worse than bite.

November 5

Encountered: Goober

Dog Type: St. Bernard

Duration: 1 minute

Tag: Wet

When out on a walk, the collar would display various light patterns to tell the owner if they were approaching a friendly former acquaintance or a foe. Obviously, this provides an excellent backup system in case your dog’s sense of smell ever fails, his tail falls off, or his bark disappears.

A spokesperson for MIT, Emily Pallamore, was quoted as saying: “The SNiF collar would make it possible for the dogs to get together with their chums without my having to set up an inconvenient and possibly socially awkward play date.” To my mind, this statement brings up several issues:

  1. Given that dogs sniff each other’s patoots by way of greeting, exactly what qualifies as a “socially awkward” play date in the dog world?
  2. Somewhere in the world there are people who, in all seriousness, not only set up play dates for their dogs but worry about the possibility of social awkwardness during same.
  3. Whatever Ms. Pallamore was paid for saying that, in public, with a straight face, it wasn’t enough.

To be fair, in addition to helping you deal with dog socializing stress, the collar had a potentially very useful lost dog function. Assuming your dog was still wearing his collar, you could attempt to track down your pooch by checking what other dogs he’s interacted with since his escape. In this case a sample history might look like this:

November 5

Encountered: Missy

Dog Type: Poodle

Duration: 10 minutes

Tag: Very friendly. Puppies on the way.

November 5

Encountered: Sasha

Dog Type: Poodle

Duration: 10 minutes

Tag: Very friendly. More puppies on the way.

November 5

Encountered: Powderpuff

Dog Type: Poodle

Duration: 10 minutes

Tag: Very friendly. Still more puppies on the way.

Actually this brings up a point: what happens when the dog and the owner disagree about how to judge an encounter? Clearly, your dog would judge interactions with Missy, Sasha, and Powderpuff as being tops, but I’m thinking you’d like to avoid the owners of these dogs – else you’d be looking after the results of all that poodle canoodling.

And just how secure will the collar transmissions and web pages be? Will other dogs be able to dig up dirt on their playmates? Fetch data on who has been seeing who? Will Fifi get hot under the digital collar if Fido doesn’t show any fidelity?

I’m pretty sure she’d have a bone to pick with him. And you know what they say: every dog has it’s day.

 m here does not imply her endorsement or warranty.

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