Scene: Two weeks ago. Bank machine.
Bank Machine: Deposit up to 40 cheques or bills at once!
Me: Inserts five cheques.
Bank Machine: *GAG*
Me: Inserts three cheques.
BM: *HACK*
Me: Inserts two cheques.
BM: *CHOKE* *GASP* Are you trying to kill me, you stupid human?
Me: *Slowly* deposits five cheques totaling more than $7000, one frickin’ cheque at a time.
BM: *BURP*. Thank you for using Super Bank of Canada.
Scene: One week ago. Same bank machine.
Me: Inserts one cheque for $5000. Goes all the way through the deposit sequence. Final screen:
BM: WRONG PIN.
Me: Er, no, that’s the right PIN. *Repeats sequence*
BM: WRONG PIN YOU STUPID HUMAN. *throws cheque at me*
Me: *Double checks PIN.* Noooo, that’s definitely the right pin. *Repeats sequence*
BM: WRONG PIN. INTERPOL HAS BEEN NOTIFIED AND YOUR NEXT OF KIN IS UNDER SURVEILLANCE. *Throws card, cheque, and receipts at me.*
Me: FFS
Scene: Bank interior, me working with a bank clerk.
Me: Yeah, I tried to deposit this last week, and the bank machine kept insisting I had the wrong PIN. *Hands over card, cheque*
Clerk: *30 seconds of work* Oh, yeah, you can’t deposit more than $5000 at the bank machine on the same day.
Me: Uh, but I put in $7000 all in one day just two weeks ago at that very machine?
Clerk: …
Me: …
Clerk: Will that be everything?
Me: *Sigh*. No, I need to get a certified cheque for…
Clerk: Can’t do that.
Me: Why… not?
Clerk: Because this isn’t your home transit.
Me: What does that mean, in English?
Clerk: This isn’t the branch the account was opened in. You’ll have to go to… *checks screen* another town.
Me: But… it’s the same bank? And you’re all connected electronically? And the account here has been in use for more than 10 years? And that’s like a 40 minute drive?
Clerk: …
Me: …
Clerk: Will that be everything?
Me: *Head in hands* Can you do it as a bank draft?
Clerk: Oh, sure. *30 seconds of work* Here.
Me: You can’t do it as a certified cheque, but you can do the exact same amount as a bank draft?
Clerk: …
Me: …
Clerk: Will that be everything?
Me: *staggers out of bank*