As a writer and commentator, I consider it my civic duty to warn people about potential hazards. So, dear readers, take note: there is a bomb in your refrigerator.
No really, I mean it. In fact, there may be as many as 12 incendiary devices in your fridge. I say this because according to a news report I saw last night, people all over North America are being maimed and injured by exploding eggs.
This is because lots of people are apparently trying to cook their eggs in the microwave… whole. Unfortunately, one of the nasty properties of sealed containers, like eggs, is that they don’t do well under pressure. Nuke them for too long and you’ll have microwave shrapnel in the wall, and of course, egg on your face. A trip through the kitchen will be like, well, walking on egg shells.
And when your appliances start blowing up, it really makes you think about the fragility of life… and all the other big, eggistential questions.
What really worries me though is that my microwave instruction manual clearly says “Do not attempt to microwave the following items: soda cans, eggs in the shell, hand grenades, sealed glass bottles and/or nuclear devices. The Surgeon General suggests that doing so may cause small objects to hurtle toward your softer bits at high speed.” This must mean that people are operating complex devices without reading the manual, or they don’t understand the warnings.
Either way, perhaps a brief household safety primer is order here:
Electricity — I know Uncle Bob once said that sticking a knife into the toaster was a quick and cheap way to get a perm, but do you really want to smolder for hours afterward? Or forget most of your high school years? Try to avoid direct contact with this stuff.
Toilet Bowl Cleaner —Never mix this with bleach, as it forms a deadly gas. Recent research suggests that this gas can later solidify into a blob and Hollywood has already demonstrated how dangerous those things can be.
Gasoline — In general, it’s a good idea not to combine gasoline with any of the following items: matches, a lighter, household chemicals, Uncle Bob.
Shampoo — Okay, maybe this doesn’t qualify as a safety hazard, but darn it smarts when it gets into your eyes. Be careful.
Garden Hose — Often overlooked by safety experts, this common item deliberately drapes itself across high foot traffic areas, causing people to trip and fall. As deadly as the common garden rake, it is also known for hiding in tall grass and attacking lawnmower blades. Handle with care.
Power Tools — You should never use any of these without a) safety glasses, b) safety boots and c) keeping Uncle Bob at a distance of about 30 meters.
Step Ladders — Don’t let a black cat walk underneath them. Or was that breaking them caused seven years bad luck? Or maybe you’re not supposed to open them inside the house. In any case, just remember that the top rung is not a step.
Dark stairwells — Either install an overhead light or keep a flashlight handy when negotiating these, otherwise that thing that goes bump in the night will be you.
Scissors — Don’t run with these. In fact, if you took any of this safety primer seriously, perhaps you should put them down and back away. Slowly now…