Archeologists, when they want to learn more about an ancient society, like to dig through old garbage pits. The things our ancestors used and tossed away can tell us much about how they lived.

For example, just outside the Roman Colosseum, researchers have recently found a huge mound of discarded, oversized foam gladiator helmets. This discovery has helped to prove the theory that sports fans have always been a strange breed.

When future researchers want to learn about our society, they could study our garbage, but they’d have to beware of biohazardous material, toxic and radioactive waste. So perhaps a much safer thing to study would be: the classified ads section of any large newspaper.

Why? Because if a picture is worth a 1000 words, then a tiny, 21 word classified ad is worth an entire novel. Consider the stories that must be behind these real-life ads (product names changed to protect the innocent - namely, me in a potential copyright protection suit):

WEDDING RING - Size 7, 14 k. Inscription, “For Elizabeth” inside. Never worn. $450 or best offer.

THIGH-O-MATIC - As seen on TV. Used once. Paid three easy payments of $99.99, asking $25.

PUPPIES - Mother Chocolate Lab. Father German Shepherd. Or maybe Rottweiler from across the road. Anyway, free.

HYDROTHERAPY TABLE - For sale. Designed for moderate use, 20 treatments per day or less. [Question: wouldn’t you wrinkle up like a prune after the first, say, six treatments?]

LOSE INCHES FAST - Now with Fatbegone weight loss systems. Just six pills per day for a better, smaller you!

GAIN INCHES FAST - Now with ManEnhance extension systems. Just six pills per day for a better, bigger you!

MAKE MONEY NOW! - Just send $5 for your report on how to make money quickly and easily! [I sent for this report. It said: “All you have to do is place a classified ad that says - Make Money Now! Just send $5 for your report...”]

DISPOSAL SERVICE - We will remove all your old, dusty, dingy books free of charge! [Because piles of books are no longer an intellectual statement, but a designer home fashion faux pas.]

I NEED HELP!! - I need your dollars to help with my college debt. Donate as much as you are able toward my student loan debt. [This ad was missing a word: chutzpah.]

TRUCKLOAD OF PLUMBING supplies. One person buys all. Retails for $14,000, asking $3500 or best offer. [And no, these goods aren’t stolen. Honest.]

MY HUSBAND gave me 150 nicotine patches. Fortunately I only needed 7 to quit smoking. So I’m giving them away ‘free’ because I want to help you quit too. Just send $5 shipping and handling. [And ignore the fact I’ll be making $715 in “shipping and handling” charges.]

BURIAL CRYPT: Tulsa, Oklahoma. Asking $3750. [Er, and what about the current occupant of this crypt?]

COMPLETE TATTOO SETUP - Three machines (been used 2x apiece), complete needle jig set, inks, video, book, 50 shader bars. [Question: would you get a tattoo from someone who bought their equipment second hand from the classifieds?]

ANDROSTENEDIONE - The legal steroid. Soon to be banned by FDA. Order today and stock up before this happens. [Because the FDA couldn’t possibly have a good reason for banning steroids sold via the classified ads...]

FOR SALE, TENT - Sleeps 5. Reason for sale - only have three campers in family now. [Question: Does this tent now have a large, bear shaped hole in the back?]

ALL OCCASION, all use, wedding, ceremonial, ritual, all natural brooms. Besoms made in harmony with the Earth. [Because nothing ruins a good broom ritual more than nylon bristles, okay?]

CAR TOTE - With straps, wheel covers, spare tires, pulls straight. [For those days when you just want to tuck your car under your arm and walk to work.]

ORANGE Kung fu lighter, 1970's vintage. [But does it know karate too?]

FOR SALE, ANTIQUE - Ceramic, Hawaii ashtray. 99 cents. [And it only cost me $4.95 to place this classified ad.]

So as you can see, the classified ads section provides a wonderful window on to modern society. In fact, the only section that could reveal more about our lives here in the 21st century would be: the funny papers.

The next time I complain in this space about cold Canadian winters, remind me that I could be living in someplace really horrible, like, say, California.

When they aren’t being beaten by the police, California residents must deal with mud slides, wildfires, earthquakes and a major plastic surgeon infestation. As if that wasn’t bad enough, La Jolla beach homeowners once woke up to find that thousands of giant squid had washed up on shore and died in the hot sun.

“[Gag],” said one resident, as municipal workers removed more than 12 tons of dead squid. “[Retch, wheeze, gasp],” he added.

Aside from watching Californians turn green and start a desperate search for designer gas masks, the most interesting thing about this story was what didn’t happen. When dolphins beach themselves, entire seaside towns drop everything to whisk them back into the water. As far as I can tell, no one tried to send the squid back home. I have a few theories as to why:

1) Those weren’t municipal workers doing the cleanup, but representatives of the upcoming Calamari Festival.

2) It’s hard to rescue something that can grab and hold all four of your limbs, slap you around and still have at least three tentacles tied behind it’s back.

3) Squid aren’t cute.

This last point bears thinking about because ugly animals are just as important to the environment as the cute ones. For example, how would mother goldfish keep their fry in line if they weren’t able to point at carp and say, “If you keep making faces like that, you’ll end up looking like him.”

No, seriously, all animals are important in a balanced ecosystem. So it seems to me that we need a special wildlife protection group dedicated to protecting Earth’s unlovables.

The first hurdle in setting up something would be picking a suitable name. For instance, which is better from a marketing perspective: The Poisonous Creature Defense League (Motto: Bring A Pair Of Thick Gloves), or the Squishy, Slimy Protection Fund (Motto: Fish May Be Icthy But They’re Still Our Friends!)

Fundraising will also be an issue. Traditional wildlife groups raise money by selling things like mugs or t-shirts with photos of cute animals on them. However, you’d need to prepare your supporters carefully. For instance, if January’s feature creature is a big, hairy tarantula, I can see thousands of innocent desk calendars suffering sudden death by baseball bat.

Celebrity endorsement in the form of TV commercials is also out of the question. For one thing, us viewers would never get to learn what animal it is we’re supposed to support:

SALLY STRUTHERS: The plight of these poor creatures just breaks my heart. Every year thousands of them die needlessly. Save the-ARGH!! GET IT OFF! [whap!] GET IT OFF ME! [whap! whap!]

Even animal rights celebrities would have trouble:

JEAN-MICHEL COSTEAU: And here ve have zee beeyootiful stinging jellyfish, vich every year dies by dee tousands, becau- Tabarnac! Sacre-bleu! Oh, zee pain! Zee pain!

Perhaps a direct adopt-an-animal plan would work better. Adoptive ‘parents’ would have to have strong stomachs for the letters home though:

Dear Foster Parent:

Thanks to your generous donation, local aid workers have been able to build a special protected habitat and life skills training area. Today I learned how to stalk and disembowel chickens. In a few months, they say I’ll be well enough to produce venom strong enough to drop an elephant. I’ve enclosed pictures so you can see my fang development.

Love,
Nagaina

Of course, some animals aren’t ugly so much as they suffer from branding issues. Nobody ever thinks to Save the Pogonophore! because no one can spell pogonophore. And no one ever talks about saving the blue-footed booby, because, well, you’re laughing, aren’t you?

So the next time you worry about the media and our image conscious society, remember, endangered species have it worse. For them, image isn’t everything. It’s the only thing.

If this doesn't mark the complete and total makeover the Internet has done on society, I don't know what would. Forget the sound of bells and ice cream trucks, find them using Twitter:

http://springwise.com/food_beverage/coolhaus/

It’s been hard to read the newspapers here lately, because for several weeks the headlines have been exactly the same. On Mondays it’s: Major Corporation Admits It ‘Misplaced’ Several Billion Dollars. On Tuesdays, it’s: Shareholders Chase CEO to Mexican Border, Threaten Hanging. On Wednesdays, it’s: Celebrity Chef Denies Cooking Books; Says He Only Sauteed Them In A Light Apricot Sauce.

So, it’s with no small amount of irony that I noticed one story that stood out in all that sameness: it was about cloning.

The Russians, it seems, lost one of their most famous trees to a fire. It had been a large and rather magnificent mulberry tree, and was reputed to have inspired the legendary poet Aleksandr Pushkin to write one of his most famous poems, which actually featured a giant oak tree. Scientists were going to try to clone the tree from living tissue found in the burnt stump.

To me, this says two things: 1) Isn’t modern science amazing? and 2) Never trust a poet to keep his trees straight.

Now, lots of people will try to tell you that cloning is weird, or just ‘not right,’ but personally I think the technology has just gotten a bad rap. This is because the first creature ever cloned was a sheep. This was a silly move because A) As New Zealanders will tell you, we already have too many sheep and B) Sheep already looked too much alike - not even sheep can tell one from another. Don’t believe me? Next time you visit your neighbourhood sheep shop, just yell “Hey ewe!” They’ll all reply.

No, I think scientists would be far better off cloning things that we can all use on a daily basis. For example:

Car keys - I cannot go four weeks straight without ‘misplacing’ my car keys. This means I either need to get a key cloner, or I’d make a great car company CEO.

Lamb curry - Instead of cloning sheep, I’d like to be able to clone the dish of lamb curry I made in 1998, because it was the only time I ever got the recipe exactly right.

First holiday - Wouldn’t it be great to be able to make copies of that feeling you had as a kid when you experienced your first birthday party? Or your first beach vacation? So you could break open a copy on days when you really need a pick-me-up, like when your quarterly investment statement shows up in the mail?

Extinct Animals - Forget silly horror stories like Jurassic Park, wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could bring back animals that we’ve driven to extinction? Like, say, the dodo bird? What’s that you say? We have enough of those in government?

Socks - The next time I buy a pair of socks, I want to clone 12 copies of the left one. This is because my dryer keeps eating all my left socks. Don’t tell me that’s not true, I can see the remnants in the lint trap.

Ice Cubes - Why would I want to clone ice cubes? Because as I write this it’s 44°C (111°F) outside. I live in Canada. Something is very, very wrong here.

Dust Bunnies - No, wait - they clone themselves. Never mind.

Desk Space - Because you never, ever, have enough desk space.

Money - Do I have to explain this one?

Mittens - See Socks, above.

For Women - Wouldn’t it be great if we could clone several thousand copies of a young, cute, single, well-built, intelligent, sensitive man? The trick here, of course, would be finding the source material.

For Men - Wouldn’t it be great if we could clone several thousand copies of a young, single, blonde woman measuring 40-18-32, with multiple career talents and a great kitchen? Hang on, we have! Her name is Barbie.

Blue jeans - In a lifetime of shopping, the average woman finds exactly one pair of jeans that both look good and fit properly. When she does, the company will immediately cease making them. The ability to clone that magic pair would save women thousands of dollars.

And hey, isn’t cloning jeans what it’s all about?