Chandra Clarke

Award-winning entrepreneur. Author. Professional Optimist.

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Making Room for Hobbies

November 5, 2019 By Chandra Clarke 1 Comment

A flower garden
Image credit: Chandra Clarke

John Scalzi, a sci-fi author I follow on Twitter (and read regularly — check out his Redshirts if you’re a Trek fan), said something recently that made me remember the importance of down time. He said something along the lines of: ‘Who knew that living in interesting times could be so exhausting?’

He was referring to that curse that kind of sounds like a blessing, and boy howdy, does that ever sound like it applies to the last few years. Between the chaos that is the current US administration, the last couple of Canadian elections, which featured things like promises to set up dystopian hotlines or a lovely paid-to-smear PR campaign, not to mention concerns about climate change, Brexit, and the angry circus that is social media these days… well, I often feel like I’ve been through the wringer. And that’s before I factor in whatever might be going on in my work and personal lives.

I bet you’re feeling it too.

So, I’ve been making more of an effort to do things to preserve my sanity. It’s trendy to talk about ‘me time’ or ‘self-care,’ but those terms often seem to be paired with commercially-loaded expectations, where you’re supposed to indulge in something you’ve purchased. I started with the term ‘less.’

Less social media. Notifications turned off completely on the phone, and browser tabs closed when I’m on the laptop. And ‘unliking’ several groups and news pages where I know I’m likely to want to wade into the comments section.

Less caffeine. I know, right? Sacrilege! I still like (neeeeed?) a couple of (smallish) cups of coffee in the morning, but slowly cutting back has made me realize how much ‘feeling stressed’ was actually ‘feeling too caffeinated.’ I feel much, much better for having cut back, and I find I enjoy my java a lot more, too. If you’ve worked your way up to a few (that’s all I’ll admit to!) bucket-sized cups per day, you might find the same thing if you slowly taper it off.

Fewer late nights. I hate this one, as I’m a night owl by nature, and I find it really hard to go to bed before 2 a.m. But given that my current schedule demands that I be up at the crack of dawn (*shakes fist at world*), I’m not doing myself any favours by trying to burn the candle at both ends.

And then there are hobbies.

In those years when I was busy with babies and a full-time business, these were definitely off the table. So far off, I’d forgotten I’d had any. But with a little more room in my timetable, I’ve rediscovered how much I love flower gardening (my preferred colour scheme, as you can see above is: riot). I’m back into cooking (as opposed to just warming things up, not that there’s anything wrong with that). And I’m enjoying PC-based games again (currently Tropico 6, which, given that it’s about a tinpot dictator with fascist tendencies isn’t exactly escapist, but it is hilariously cynical. The Penultimo character never fails to crack me up.)

These all have the benefit of being relatively cheap activities both in terms of cash and environmental impact, and two of them also get me up and moving. Movement has also been a key defense against crazy-making; just as it’s easy to slide into over-caffeination, it’s very easy to slump into a sedentary lifestyle if your day job demands a butt in a chair.

So that’s what I’m doing. What hobbies and activities keep you going? Tell us in the comments.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Kitschmas is Coming

October 29, 2019 By Chandra Clarke 1 Comment

A stuffed reindeer doll, smiling
Photo by Tim Gouw on Unsplash

I do try to like Christmas, I really do. It is, after all, supposed to be a time for getting together with family and friends, eating good food, and giving gifts.

But boy, do North American stores make it hard.

For starters, every year, the retail push starts earlier and earlier. No sooner is the Halloween stuff packed away, then the Santaware is hauled out, and stores plaster signs on every surface, with the stern warning: Only 1118 Days Until Christmas 2007!

The malls start playing the All Christmas All the Time CD (staaaaaahp!), and the sale advertisements start running on the television and radio, at 30 second intervals, just to make sure there’s no chance of you ever forgetting what season is approaching.

The hardest thing though, is trying to keep a straight face when considering some of the items offered up as “Great gift ideas!” Consider the following (real!) gift suggestions and what they might say:

NHL towel, NHL clock, NHL mug, NHL doorstop: I couldn’t think what else to get you and this stuff is everywhere this Christmas, making it easy to buy. And besides, the hockey league could use… the… money. Hmm.

Three Stooges beer opener: I have succumbed to the idea that the ideal male is no longer epitomized by the image of a gentleman in a nice suit, polished shoes, and a well-rounded education. Instead it is a guy in sweatpants and a three-day growth of facial hair.

Closet organizer: I’ve been to your house and notice that it’s, um, not very tidy. This should help.

A book, Cooking for Dummies: I’ve been to your house, and notice that, um, you put the char in char-broiled. This should help.

Actually, any “For Dummies” book: I mean this in the best possible way, honest. Please don’t throw it at me.

Phone with large number keys: Call your mom more often, darnit.

Boxing alien puppet: I went shopping at 11:55 p.m. on December 24, and this is all they had left.

Lottery ticket gift pack: I know you’re not going to win the big one, but this looks like I mean well.

Fake winning lottery tickets: I don’t want to risk you winning the big one on tickets that I buy, and anyway I have a sadistic sense of humour.

Pope Innocent III action figure: I know you go to church and stuff and this is, well, kinda churchy. And he’s got this cool hat.

Shower gels, soap, powders: This could mean any number of things like 1) I want you to smell better than you do now. 2) I want you to smell like a large vat of flowers. 3) I want you to smell like a large vat of tree oil. 4) You’re a girl and I’m told this is, you know, something girls like. Plus it’s cheaper than jewellery.

Sea monkeys: I do my shopping from the back of comic books.

Barista action figure: This is my subtle way of pointing out that you drink way, way too much coffee.

Mars glow in the dark putty: I know you like reading those scientific magazines and Mars is scientific right? Or wait, does this have to do with the chocolate bar?

An exercise machine: This is my unsubtle way of pointing out that you drink way, way too many of those fatty latte coffees. Please note I gave you an exercise machine and not free weights because I didn’t want to be hit with them. I also plan to be out of the room when you open this one.

A subscription to a humour column: This shows that I have excellent taste and my sole purpose in giving this is to spread laughter and cheer – the best gift – during the Christmas season.

—

What’s the worst gift you have ever received? Tell us a good story in the comments!

 

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Childhood Defined

September 23, 2019 By Chandra Clarke Leave a Comment

Image credit: Pixabay

It’s tough being a parent in the 21st century. Not because there aren’t any places to go for advice on important issues – just the opposite, in fact. There must be hundreds of childrearing books out there, a couple dozen parenting magazines, and umpteen web sites.

Naturally, they all give conflicting advice; worse, some of them give advice without explaining it. For example, one source says it’s bad to give your child raw carrots under the age of three, with no reason given. You’re left to wonder if A) It’s because they could be a choking hazard, and if so, why only carrots and not, say, raw broccoli? B) Whether mature carrots — those three years or older — would be acceptable or C) Carrots are verboten simply because too many parents of the previous generation were driven mad by their youngster posing with a carrot all day and repeatedly saying “Ehhhhhhh, what’s up doc?”

Anyway, after spending many hours navigating the parenting media (okay so really it was only five minutes; I’m a parent and that’s all I had to spare) I’ve come up with a list of terms that might help you find your way too. Good luck!

DVD: For the modern parent with kids to entertain, a unit of time. Example: “Hi Joan, I’d love to talk but I’ve only got half a DVD left to finish the laundry.”

Debris field: The area around your child that contains half chewed biscuits, dumped bottles, water, toys, socks, juice etc. The size of the debris field grows exponentially every month, until it eventually takes in your entire house and backyard. And possibly the neighbour yards as well.

Bib: Theoretically, something your child wears to protect clothing. Realistically, it’s a spot to print cute phrases like “Daddy’s Number One Fan.” Given that children smear food into their hair, their ears, along the table, and on you, the small area of protection afforded by the bib is laughable, really.

Toys: Expensive items that parents are encouraged to buy in great quantities to educate their children. Children do learn from toys; indeed, when a parent steps on one, they learn all sorts of new words.

Soother: Also known as a dummy or a pacifier, it is designed to be something that babies suck on for comfort. Unfortunately this design also makes for a sleek, aerodynamic profile which allows even the youngest arm to throw it up to 10 feet away. The amount of dirt that clings to it is inversely proportional to the proximity of a sink for washing it.

Sleeper: A type of clothing that very young children are supposed to sleep in. Children don’t actually sleep, however, until they’re old enough to fit into regular pajamas.

Crawl: A form of motion that your baby will try to do hundreds of times without success. Anxious parents who want to encourage their baby’s development should simply look away for five seconds. Baby will suddenly be able to crawl at speeds approaching 50 kph.

Emergency Trip: At least once per year, all children are required to look ill enough to require an emergency trip to the doctor or hospital, at which time they miraculously recover about two minutes before being seen by medical staff. This is nature’s way of stimulating the onset of grey hair. See also: 2 a.m., weekends.

First word: A child’s first word will not be what you’ve tried to get him/her to say for a week. It will be something that you didn’t realize you were saying like: frackingcomputer! or stupididiotneighbour!

Kitchen sink: The one item you will not have to pack to take your young children across the street.

Childproof: A mythical state of being. To date, nothing has been conclusively proven to be childproof. However, many such items that claim to be are very adult proof.

Pthththtb: The rude raspberry noise that is one of the first sounds a baby learns how to make. This says more about the human condition than I ever could.

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All the Food That’s Fit to Print

September 11, 2019 By Chandra Clarke 1 Comment

Maurizio Pesce from Milan, Italia [CC BY 2.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)]

A few years ago, a Chicago chef has took us one step closer to a Star Trek reality. Homaru Cantu modified an ink-jet printer to print … food.

Well not quite food yet, but with ink cartridges loaded with fruit and vegetable mixtures, and a paper tray loaded with soybean and potato starch ‘paper,’ he’s getting there. He’s able to print out edible pictures that can be fried, frozen or baked; restaurant patrons can even tear up their menus and add them to the soup.

It’s not quite the replicator you see on the Enterprise, but it won’t be long now before I can stand near a spot on the wall and say “Earl Grey, hot” and have it materialize out of thin air. Or fat air, for that matter.

Cantu didn’t say how he modified his printer, as there were patents pending, and I can see why. After all there are a lot of potential applications.

For instance, a lot of new-built kitchens come with Internet connected computers. Busy Moms and Dads may soon be able to print dinner faster than they can microwave it. Indeed, forget downloading music: that is soooo 20th century. Download fillet mignon instead.

The 12 million pizza advertising flyers you got in the mail today? Wouldn’t they be a lot more appealing if they actually tasted of pizza? And wouldn’t those annoying magazine insert cards that fall into your lap be more tolerable if they were potato chip flavoured?

The world’s spies might enjoy their work a little more, if the mission instructions they’re always having to eat were a bit more palatable. I’m sure James Bond would enjoy martini-flavoured notes from Her Majesty’s secret service. Heck, I’d enjoy a martini-flavoured note from Her Majesty’s secret service, and I wouldn’t care if it were shaken, stirred, or folded into a paper airplane.

Given that newspaper ink tends to spread over everything within a five foot radius of the paper, breakfast and the morning newspaper could be combined — the newspaper could become breakfast. “Honey, are you going to eat that sports section?”

Eating your words might not be so humbling. Dogs will actually eat your kid’s homework. Licking stamps might not have to be nauseating anymore.

On the other hand, there may be some drawbacks with printable food. Those pizza flyers I mentioned earlier will make the postal worker’s lives exceptionally difficult — dogs love pizza too.

Busy moms will have to make sure their husbands and kids don’t eat the stuff set aside for the bake sale or the big Feldman presentation she printed off for work.

The printers will be dirt cheap but it will probably turn out that the refill cartridges will be $500 each. Plus you’ll start getting junk email advertising ‘Prescription drugs, Rolex watches AND FoodJet ink CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP!’

If you got an ‘Out of Potato’ error you wouldn’t know whether to call a sous chef or tech support. A paper jam would set off the smoke detector. You might find your printer secretly hooking up to the Internet in the wee hours of the morning to surf illicit food sites. There would be pop-up windows asking, “Do you want fries with that fax?”

Inevitably there will be a food printer virus which causes your printer to spit out dozens of cheesecake printouts. Hang on, that won’t be a problem…

But there might be one that plays mind games with you — printing a picture of a milkshake that actually tastes like a pork chop for example. And you can bet that some industry chief will decide it’s a good idea to a launch lawsuit against the 10-year-old in Moose Jaw who downloaded an illegal copy of a McBurger.

The biggest problem, however, will be the fact that it’s based on … printer technology. You’ll be desperate for a quick fix of ice cream paper and it will flash “PC LOAD LETTER” at you for hours. You’ll be late for work because you spent 20 minutes trying to get your muffin print out unstuck from the rollers. Or your important dinner guests will arrive to find you pounding your keyboard in frustration, screaming, “What do you MEAN you can’t find the printer? It’s RIGHT THERE!”

Of course it could be worse.

We could be basing our first attempts at Star Trek transporter beams … on printer technology.

—

What would you print out with a food printer? Answer in the comments below.

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  • Making Room for Hobbies
  • Kitschmas is Coming
  • Childhood Defined
  • All the Food That’s Fit to Print
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