Chandra Clarke

Not Worth The Paper It’s Printed On

December 11, 2018 By Chandra Clarke Leave a Comment

This is what would come out of any 3D printer I used. (Photo credit Axel Hindemith via Wikimedia Commons)

It’s official: I’m doomed.

The good news first. Scientists are developing a way to build brain tissue, cell by cell, so that they can have near complete control over how a graft is constructed.

The bad news? They’re using ink-jet printer technology to do it. It’s part of a new method of manufacturing, commonly called 3D printing.

Apparently, printers can be modified to spray droplets of live cells suspended in a sustaining solution. The latest technique for doing this involves using a powerful electric field to control the spray, rather than forcing the material through a needle-shaped nozzle.

Overall, this is very cool. Who couldn’t use a few extra brain cells now and then? But why, why, WHY does the technology have to be based on printers?

As long time readers of this column know, printers and I do not get along. I had no problem programming my VCR when we owned one. My cell phone does not confound me. I can install software on my computer and build web sites with one mouse behind my back. (Indeed, sometimes with two mice behind my back — we really need to get a cat for the home office.)

But printers? Grrr.

I can just see it now. I’m getting ready for a big presentation, and decide that a few extra brain cells would help me field the questions I’ll get afterward. I open up the file called BRAIN_BOOST.doc and click Print.

Error: Printer Not Found

But the printer is right there! Check the plugs, check the cables, reboot computer and printer. Open file. Click Print.

Unable To Print: Cyan Ink Low.

But I’m not printing with cyan ink! I’m in brain cell draft mode! Print!

Unable To Print: Cyan Ink Empty.

But you haven’t printed *anything* yet! How can you go from low to empty… fine… search for cyan replacement cartridge, open box, open printer, burn hand on hot component, wrestle old cartridge out, put new cartridge in. Print!

Error: Did You Just Replace An Ink Cartridge? You Must Print A Calibration Page Before You Can Print Again.

But! Okay, whatever, close file, change mode, Print Calibration Page.

Error: Out of Paper.

[Long pause while I have a Yosemite Sam style fit.]

Find paper. Load tray. Print Calibration Page.

Calibration Page Printed.

Hooray! Open file again. Print.

Error: Paper Jam.

@#$%^&!

Error: There Really Is No Call For That Sort Of Language.

Open printer, gently attempt to pull out jammed paper. Laugh hysterically when it shreds into two thousand smaller pieces. Spend an hour removing all the bits. Close printer. Print.

Nothing.

Wait. Wait some more. Make a pot of tea. Bake cookies. Eat tea and cookies.

Nothing.

PRINT. PRINT. PRINT. PRINT. PRINT. PRINT. PRINT.

Error 8768: Out of Memory.

Call tech support hotline. “Hello, thank you for calling Sister Printers. It is Sunday, February 12, at 3:22 a.m. EST. We are experiencing higher than usual call volume, so your call is being held in priority sequence. Your call is important to us—”

Hang up. Search Sister Printers web site. Find obscure note in knowledge base about error 8768. Find out printer came with drivers that were out of date before this particular model even rolled off the assembly line.

Download and install new drivers. Check all cables. Reboot everything. Check all ink cartridges. Check all paper trays. Print calibration page. Sacrifice a plate of cookies to the Printer Gods. Close eyes. With trembling hands, click Print.

It prints…

… five pages full of brain cells and one page with just two brain cells at the top.

By this time, the printout barely replaces the cells I have fried just getting the printer to work. I begin having visions of introducing the printer to a baseball bat. Idly surfing the web now, as it just about time for me to leave to make my presentation, I check out the prices of replacement printers.

New! Easy to use! Blunderbuss MP730! Now just $35!*

Hey… I could afford to replace this thing at that price…

* Replacement ink cartridges $325 each, after mail-in rebate.

Or not.

You see? I’m doomed.

To Boldly Go to a Galaxy Far, Far Away

November 13, 2018 By Chandra Clarke 2 Comments

This spring, there have been two major events in the world of science fiction: The latest Star Trek TV series and the release of the latest Star Wars movie. I haven’t specified which one in either case, because it really doesn’t matter when you’re reading this: there will be a new one of each until the year 3000.

For those of you who aren’t into sci-fi, all the hubbub might be a bit confusing. So to explain it all, this week we compare and contrast Star Trek (ST), Star Wars (SW) and their respective fans.

SW: The phrase “I am your father” usually refers to Darth Vader talking to Luke Skywalker.
ST: The phrase “I am your father” could refer to James T. Kirk talking to any number of youngsters across the galaxy.

SW fans: Really, really want a light saber of their own, but would use it sparingly and only against forces of the Dark Side.
ST fans: Really, really want a phaser of their own, set on stun, but would use it indiscriminately against: that idiot who cut them off on the freeway; their boss; the yappy dog across the street…

SW: Has the Millennium Falcon, which is a fast, extremely maneuverable ship… unless the hyperdrive is broken…
ST: Has the Enterprise, which is a large, powerful ship… unless the dilithium crystals have been shattered, used up, stolen, burnt out…
Fantasy novels: Have wizards with amazing powers and fantastic spells… unless the wizard is rendered unconscious, has lost his staff/wand/familiar…

SW fans: Dress up like Stormtroopers, Wookies, and Jedis, and are generally regarded as weird by society.
ST fans: Dress up like Vulcans, Romulans, and Ferengi, and are generally regarded as weird by society.
Sports fans: Wear giant foam cheeses, or call themselves puckheads, and paint their bare chests or faces with team colours and are generally thought to be perfectly normal by society.

SW: In the “character written in to state the obvious for the benefit of the audience” department, has Admiral “It’s a trap!” Akbar.
ST: Has Counsellor Deanna “I sense danger, Captain” Troi.

SW fans: Of all the characters, Star Wars fans don’t really want to play Jabba the Hutt, from Return of the Jedi. That’s because he was a big, ugly slug.
ST fans: Of all the characters, Star Trek fans really don’t want to play the guys in the red shirts from the original Trek series. That’s because their main job was to be eaten by big, ugly slugs, or worse.

SW: The women of Star Wars were made to wear elaborate hairdos that involved the painful application of hair accessories to keep them in place.
ST: The women of Star Trek were made to wear elaborate costumes that involved the painful application of duct tape to hold them in place.

SW fans: Have never forgiven George Lucas for Jar Jar Binks.
ST fans: Have never forgiven the writers for the Ferengi.

Non sci-fi fans: Assume that because Star Wars or Star Trek fans like to obsess over the details of technology, costume, or space travel, that they are anti-social types that don’t like relationships with the opposite sex.
Non sci-fi fans: Clearly have never seen Star Wars or Star Trek fans swoon over Han Solo, young Obi-Wan Kenobi, Seven of Nine, James T. Kirk, Princess Leia, or Benjamin Sisko.

ST fans: Like to point at Princess Leia’s unfortunate ‘buns on head’ hairdo and laugh.
SW fans: Like to point at Yeoman Rand’s unfortunate ‘beehive gone mad’ hairdo and laugh.

SW: Is all about the fight between good versus evil, with good winning. This beats having people watch shows like Jackass, which is all about people doing really stupid stunts.
ST: Is all about a hopeful future and thoughtful treatment of interesting issues. This beats having people watch shows like Fear Factor, which is all about people eating worms. Okay so the Klingons ate worms (Gagh), but you get my point.

My message to all sci-fi fans: Live long and may the force be with you.

If a Tree Falls in the Forest…

October 31, 2018 By Chandra Clarke 1 Comment

We’ve known for a long time now that plants ‘feel.’ That is, if you have sensors hooked up to a plant, and you cut it, the sensors will register a signal that roughly translates into: GEEZE, THAT HURT!

Scientists are now discovering that plants may also ‘think.’ One type of plant, for example, is known to be able to sense the presence of friends or foes, and decide how to approach them. Another plans its growth two years into the future, based on its predictions of weather patterns, making it a great deal smarter than your local weather broadcaster.

Some plants remember past transgressions. Most seem to be able to communicate — to other plants, and insects — using chemical signals. And apparently some can even do Euclidean geometry, which puts them ahead of the average American high school student.

These findings have profound implications for scientists, philosophers, and yes, you over there, sitting on your couch. For example, this means that it’s not just your imagination — the dandelions really *do* duck when you mow your lawn. They’ve also probably worked out how to hold their breath until you’re done spraying the weed killer.

It gets worse. If plants remember past wrongs, then you might want to consider apologizing the next time you bump a tree with your car — otherwise you might find yourself concussed by a falling branch when you pass by again. Or for that matter, it may turn out that none of us has ever really stepped on a rake — maybe the grass has been throwing it at us all this time. Think I’m being paranoid about the possibility of plant aggression? Just remember that it is, as they say, a jungle out there.

On the positive side, parents can now get their own back. Well-meaning but generally rebellious teens delight in announcing — usually after Mom has spent several hours on a fancy Sunday roast dinner — that they’ve suddenly taken up vegetarianism. Parents can wave these studies under the teen’s nose, and follow-up by offering a tempting bacon sandwich every time the kid is playing music too loud or taking too much bandwidth.

Also good news is the fact that we’ve discovered the secret talents of plants before it was too late. If the average strangleweed has decision-making capabilities, this does not bode well for the future of the human race. Indeed, we’re always making movies and writing books about machines going berserk and taking over the world. Perhaps we should be more worried about the local flora.

That’s because there are trees that have survived since before Socrates was a wee lad. A strong vine can, over time, pull down a solid brick wall. An innocent patch of moss can make walkways slippery and treacherous. In fact I’m beginning to think that, opposable thumb or not, the only reason it’s me sitting here writing this and not a humourous oak tree is simply that I type faster. Most mornings, anyway.

I would suggest that we need to do more research into plant intelligence. Do they have religious beleafs? Is a tree’s bark worse than it’s bite? Having mastered geometry, have any plants branched out into calculus? Twigonometry?

What about the legal and moral ramifications? Will pasturing sheep suddenly be tantamount to grass genocide? Are we likely to see the rise of advocacy groups named PLANTA who decry the overcrowding and forced yield increases of crop farming? Will grocery stores sell free range oatmeal at a premium?

Finally, philosophically speaking, we may have to ask that ancient, puzzling question once again: If a tree falls in the forest, and there’s no one around, does it make a sound?

And if it does, is it: GEEZE, THAT HURT!

—

PS – If you liked this piece, you’ll love Knock on Wood.

Incoming search terms: do plants have feelings, plants feel pain, are plants sentient

A Well-Trained Mind

October 16, 2018 By Chandra Clarke Leave a Comment

So, I’ve been very busy, working on things like house renovations, keeping the laundry at bay, and of course, solving the world’s energy problems.

For the latter, I believe I’ve hit upon a solution. All we need to do is come up with a device that can tap into hobbyist power.

I say this because I was recently taken (read: dragged) to the National Train Show. An event put on by the US National Model Railroad Association, it was a huge display of model trains, Lego, layouts, accessories and more. And because I’m married to, and have apparently given birth to, train enthusiasts (darn defective genes!), we visited all 188,000 square feet. Twice. Slowly.

It’s not that I didn’t enjoy myself. Indeed, I learned rather a lot about what is modestly dubbed “the world’s greatest hobby.” For example, I learned that a proper train “layout” (read: play area), includes not just a track and a train, but model buildings and houses, model people, simulated topography, signals, switches, software, sounds and controllers. Given the amount of excited gawking and pointing my eldest did, I also learned that anything I would consider “disposable income” has already been disposed of, well in advance.

I discovered that model trains come in different scales. “N” scale, for example, looks just as painful to step on and as easy to lose as Lego bricks. “G” scale trains are for the backyard, just in case your resident enthusiast(s) feel the need to take over both the entire house and the whole garden.

It also turns out that when train model manufacturers say they build authentic pieces, they really mean it. I am still trying to wash the smell of oil and smoke out of our clothes.

Finally, I realized that I have a new business and marketing god: whoever the genius was at Lego who decided to launch both train and Star Wars-related product lines. Lego already had a cult-like following, so putting it together with other cultish pursuits was like creating a license to print money. Indeed, in the display at the show, just one skyscraper had more pieces in it than I’ve owned in my entire life (although I sense that’s about to change).

This brings me to my point. The entire building was practically crackling with enthusiasm and creative energy. As I listened to two men talking very earnestly about the best methods for creating a realistic granite cliff, I realized that train layouts involved a lot of thought, effort and care. Each one of them must have 1000s of micro-inventions and clever ideas to solve problems. The same can be said about many hobbies, crafts and pursuits.

I don’t know what compels us to devote this much of our time to such things, but I think if we could manage to siphon off even one percent of that personal energy from hobbyists, we’d have enough to power the entire eastern seaboard in North America.

Or at the very least, enough power to keep all those model trains running on time.

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