Chandra Clarke

Award-winning entrepreneur. Author. Professional Optimist.

It Could Have Been a Contenda

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It’s hard to believe around fifty years ago people were once *excited* by an invention called television.

It must have seemed so promising. You could watch an escapist glamorous Hollywood musical. You could travel back in time to the wild west. Variety shows introduced you to exotic music (the Beatles!) from far away places (England!). Hey, at the time it was pretty cool. Sorry, groovy. Whatever.

There were ground breaking shows that dealt with major issues like racial discrimination (All in the Family), global unity (Star Trek), or being stranded on a desert island with dumb sailors (Gilligan’s Island.) There were broadcasts of important historical events, like the moon landing. Indeed, there was so much interesting stuff being shown that you could almost forgive shows like “Mr. Ed.” (Wait! Let me clean out my inbox before you send in your complaints!)

Then something happened to television. I haven’t decided whether: (a) Aliens from the planet Neefnoof began tampering with the broadcasts; (b) Multi-national mega corporations started mass producing muck; or (c) Writing school graduates joined the TV industry en masse.

Whatever it was, we’re now getting shows like … “Cosmetic Surgery Live.” I don’t know about you, but I want to watch this show about as much as I want to know more about a procedure I saw advertised yesterday called “lipodissolve.”

Or what if I told you about an event where lots of people gathered around to see individuals being attacked by dogs? You’d think aha! That must be an intellectually stimulating history special on PBS, re-enacting a scene from Roman coliseum. Nope, just reality TV — “Fear Factor.”

This is why, as a parent, I am profoundly grateful for two things: my computer, and my Internet connection. Okay, I’m also grateful for baby gates, apple juice, and night lights, but that’s another story.

The Internet is showing hints that it’s going to become what TV could have been: a fantastic educator. I can go to a site called Research Channel and watch lectures from universities across the US. For example, I can download a piece from the University of Washington called: Cosmetic Surgery: New Advances.

Whoops! Bad example. But from that same site there are things like “Archaeology and Wine Production” or “Learning from Sea Creatures,” and even “Language, Mind, and Brain: How Infants Crack the Speech Code.” I think I’ll watch that last one to figure out how long I have before I have to start spelling things like “t-o-y s-t-o-r-e?” to my husband.

Or I can go to another site and get nearly the entire MIT curriculum without ever having to set foot on campus. Just think of the home schooling I can do with that! Er, once we’ve covered the bit about numbers and the alphabet of course.

I can access satellite shots of my neighbourhood, which means I’m part of the first generation of mums with eyes in the back of their heads AND in the sky. (“Son, I said stay *out* of the garage! Never mind how I knew!”) My children can to play checkers with Australians, watch whales off the coast of British Columbia, and download pictures from Mars, all in a single afternoon. And yes, at some point, they will still come to me and say, “Mum, I’m bored!”

But my point is that the Internet is a grand resource. So it really frosts me to hear about the “Turn off the PC Week” movement. The group behind this warns about the “dangers of excessive computer time” with vague references to “social, physical, and psychological problems.”

Yes, there are a lot of YouTube channels that seem to have taken their cue from Fear Factor. Yes, there is fake news. But as far as I’m concerned, the only real dangers associated with time on the PC are contracting printer rage and computer butt. There’s no known cure for printer rage, but a good balance of outdoor play time and good old-fashioned house chores will cure the other. It goes without saying that the kids should be taken out for real-world trips to zoos, museums, and sports fields whenever parents can afford it.

But *don’t* turn off that PC. Or mobile device. Just show them how to use it properly.

Who knows? Maybe your child will be the one to cure cancer, land on Mars, or invent a printer that never accordion-folds paper that wasn’t supposed to be accordion-folded.

Keepin’ It Real

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Image Credit: Pixabay

Recent advances in medicine have allowed us to do some pretty amazing things. For example, progress in drug development has allowed millions of people to lead healthy, normal lives interrupted only by the constant ads for Prozac via email, television, radio and magazines.

Scanning technology in particular has revealed some very interesting things about the human brain. For instance, Dutch scientists have discovered that when realize you have made a mistake on a task, your brain makes a very distinctive electrical signal. Even more interesting is the fact that when other people watching you realize you’ve made a mistake, their brains make the same signal.

Researchers are excited about the finding because it reveals a number of important things:

1) Apparently the “Oh @#$%^!” response is universal in humans.

2) People may indeed be laughing with you, not at you.

3) It provides a valid, scientific explanation as to why guys, when they see other guys get kicked in the, erm, male region, wince as though they’ve been kicked there as well.

It also may help to explain the appeal of certain experiences. When women watch lots of romantic movies, it may be because they aren’t getting enough romance from their partners and want to experience love through the movie. The men in their lives would do well to notice this and perhaps make some improvements in that department.

When women watch lots of revenge movies, it may because they feel severely wronged by their partners and want to experience vengeance through the movie. The men in their lives would do well to notice this and perhaps take the next flight out of the country.

What it doesn’t explain very well is why people like to seek out negative experiences. There was a game show on television in North America which, among other things, has required its contestants to drink a concoction of [Warning! If you are eating lunch, stop reading this now!] blended maggots and live house flies.

Now, I can almost (almost!) understand why the contestants are willing to do this, because they at least have a chance at winning money for their trouble. But if the Dutch research about experiencing similar brain signals can be extrapolated, this means there are thousands of people out there who deliberately sit down in front of the TV so they can feel like they just chugged a mug of maggots too.

But without being paid.

Consider what this implies for some of our other television programs:

COPS – Viewers either want to feel like A) they’ve been bashed about the head with a baton, been subjected to all sorts of verbal abuse and been thrown in the back of a police car with their hands cuffed behind their back or B) they have to face down yet another half-naked, fully drunk idiot who wants to barf on their shoes in a three a.m. domestic squabble.

FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS – Viewers want to feel like they have fallen off the stage at the school play, broken their backyard swimming pool and surfed the flood wave out on their head, or been bitten by their at/dog/gerbil/rabbit.

ER/CHICAGO HOPE/DIAGNOSIS MURDER – Viewers would like to feel like they’ve just been shot, knifed, in an accident or have acquired a horrible disease and are under the care of staff who are clearly far, far too involved with each other to pay attention to actual, well, medical care.

THE APPRENTICE – Viewers want to feel part of an environment where backstabbing, gossiping, name calling and bad business decisions result in all but one person getting fired.

Why people deliberately seek out bad experiences, I don’t know. It could be that their own lives seem pretty bad, so they look for worse experiences for contrast and to feel better. Frankly, I think a far better way to feel good would be to eat some chocolate cake. Or a chocolate bar.

Or at the very least, watch a TV show about chocolate. Now that’s my kind of reality programming.

 

Odd Man Out

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Image Credit: Pixabay

Today I discovered the real reason behind the invention of beer.

For years, I thought beer was created because A) Ancient people needed some way to make use of grain that had gone off; B) Beer was sometimes safer to drink than the local water, which could make you feel ill and vomit. C) People really like getting drunk, which often results in feeling ill and vomiting. I had yet to reconcile reasons B and C, but I felt I was getting close.

Silly me. Apparently beer was invented so that men could socialize with each other without anyone questioning their manhood. Well okay, questions about manhood do arise, but usually only after Bob has had a few too many, and Mike accidentally steps on Bob’s foot. Then it all goes downhill from there, but that’s another story.

Anyway, according to a recent article, even in the modern, liberated 21st century, men still feel uncomfortable socializing with other men if they don’t have business, sports, or beer as an excuse. Or to put it another way: men feel less manly if seen in the company of other men.

I don’t pretend to understand why this is so, and I concede this is a bigger issue for guys than it is for women. Women hang out together all the time, and no one suggest that doing so makes them less, er, womanly. We do still get strange looks when we do manly things however, like … drink beer.

Since what’s socially acceptable seems to be in flux, and since very few of us have the courage to shed our cultural inhibitions (unless beer is involved, in which case altogether too many things are shed), we need a solution. I propose we all get together and negotiate a list of things that are now, or should be, socially acceptable — and then we can all pledge not to point and gossip when people do these things. The list can be updated regularly and posted online on something like itsokayreally.com. Here’s a starter list:

Funny Coloured Drinks with Umbrellas: These should be banned for both men and women unless they’re on vacation in some tropical location. Is this because they’re too cute? No. It’s because they’re too dangerous – try carrying one of these through a crowded nightclub without having the ‘brolly knocked into your eye.

Movies, Reel One: It should be okay for guys to go to movies that don’t involve car chases or explosions. Actually, guys sighted going into movies that have actual plots should be applauded — maybe Hollywood will get the hint and start hiring screenwriters again.

Movies, Reel Two: Women should be able to feel okay about going to an action film or a sci-fi film without a guy in tow. C’mon, Princess Leia knew how to fire a blaster and drive a speeder bike — she had to learn that from somewhere.

Dinner, Not Diner: Guys should be able to go out to dinner together at a decent restaurant. Women aren’t relegated to grotty sports bars or fast food joints, why should men be?

What’s In Store, Part One: A woman should be able to walk into a hardware store without having to deal with a smirking clerk who talks to her slowly, ignores her question about power drills, and points her to the pink paintbrushes. See also car dealerships and snide comments about mirrors and coffee cup holders.

What’s In Store, Part Two: A man should be able to walk into an interior decorating store without having to deal with a smirking clerk who points him to the pink paint brushes.

Chores and Snores: It should be okay for a woman to mow the lawn and paint the garage while a man vacuums the house and dusts the wood work. These chores involve the same physical movements and will bore the socks off the person doing them regardless of gender.

If It Ain’t Broke, It Might Be Badly Designed

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Image Credit: Pixabay

A recent study has shown that nearly half of all “malfunctioning” products returned to the store for a refund aren’t really broken. Buyers just can’t figure out how to use them.

Are we getting dumber? Is technology outpacing us?

No, mostly it’s the fault of bad design, and overly complicated products.

As frequent readers of this space know, I’m no technophobe. I love gadgets and I become what they call an “early adopter” of the latest and greatest as soon as I can afford it.

Consider my washing machine. It has separate settings for cottons, knits, delicates, ruggeds, 20% polyester blends, favourite t-shirts, white cotton knits with glitter, 60% polyester blends with dark cuffs, colour cotton knits with buttons, and muddy sneakers.

Of course, there’s a completely different set of buttons and knobs on my dryer, even though both appliances are made by the same manufacturer and were offered for sale as a pair. I figure the designers are the same people who, in 50 some odd years, haven’t managed to match up the number of wieners per package to the number of hot dog buns per package.

I also don’t understand my old digital camera. You actually have to hunt for, and then turn on, the feature called “red eye reduction.” Why is this a “feature” and not something the camera just does automatically? I mean, is there anyone who actually *wants* their blue-eyed relatives to look like they’re possessed by demons? (Okay, maybe there are a few of you, but please don’t write to me to tell me why.)

Even supposedly low-tech things like pick-up trucks are ridiculously overdone. We rented a pick-up truck this past weekend, so we could move some furniture, and take a large amount of rubbish to the recycling and composting depot. What we expected was something like our car, only with a cargo bed where our back seats would have been.

What we got was a vehicle I couldn’t even see over while standing on my tip toes. The truck bed sides came up to my nose; it took a running jump and a crash course in pole vaulting just to get into the cab. The gas station owner rubbed his hands together in glee when he saw us coming. Somewhere there’s a draft horse laughing its bridle and collar off.

Not even your toiletries are safe from being overdesigned. I saw an advertisement tonight for a disposable razor that has five blades on one side of the head, and one blade for “tricky spots” on the other side. Further, I can buy this razor in a “manual” version or a “power” version; the latter will emit “gentle micropulses.” Since these micropulses aren’t touted as being good for reducing nicks, cuts and razor burn, I can only assume they’re to save the user the bother of making “Vroom! Vroom!” noises himself.

So the next time you’re faced with a DVD player that’s still flashing 12:00 at you, don’t despair. You’re smarter than you think, and technology isn’t as scary as people would have you believe. You just have to remember that what makes it to market has effectively been designed by… a committee.

And we all know how complicated and badly designed *those* usually are.