Chandra Clarke

Award-winning entrepreneur. Author. Professional Optimist.

Coming Soon: Pundragon!

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This sweet doggo was so excited to bring you the cover, she only charged me one biscuit. I gave her an ear scritch as a tip.

 

I’m thrilled to announce the upcoming release of my next book, Pundragon. Here’s the blurb:

Ian McDonald is trying very hard not to think about how the world might be going to hell in a handbag. After all, what’s he going to be able to do about it? He’s just this guy, stuck in a small town, pinned there by a load of student debt and a stalled writing career. Oh, and a wicked case of writer’s block.

Or at least he was, until a dragon showed up in his bedroom. At midnight. Quoting Freud and muttering about the space-time continuum.

So of course, Ian must Make a Choice and decide whether he wants to follow the dragon back into the Connectome and find his muse again, or stay in a house that surely wants to kill him, one repair bill at a time.

A place where maybe, just maybe, he might find out that some things are worth fighting for.

Even if all you have is a can opener.

Chock full of puns, terrible jokes, and nerdy references, I hope you have as much fun reading it as I did in writing it.

It’s going to be released in August, but you can preorder the ebook version anytime here: Amazon Link

I Have Something Up My Sleeve

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And no, it’s not the dryer sheet.

Earlier this year, I announced that I had two novels coming out. The first one, Echoes of Another, was published in April to rave reviews. (You can read the first chapter for free here.) Today, I’m teasing the cover for my upcoming humourous fantasy novel:

If you’re a fan of puns, adventure, a bit of social commentary… well, if you’re a fan of this blog, you’ll love this book. Stay tuned for the full reveal!

 

The Tooth and Nothing But the Tooth

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Photo Credit: Needpix

 

There’s nothing like becoming a parent to make you re-examine your values and start asking yourself the bigger questions. Things like: What is the meaning of life? Why are we here? And (when looking at yourself in the mirror and discovering more baggage under your eyes than Air Canada has ever lost): When did I get to be a 47-year-old mother of four?

In the United States, some school systems are (still) embroiled in legal battles over a similar question: What about the origin of humanity? Some fundamentalist groups are advocating something called “intelligent design” which believes we are very complex beings that could only have been designed by a creator. On the other side are those who would prefer to keep the public school system curriculum secular and stick with teaching the scientific explanation, evolution.

Personally, I’m not sure either side* has it right when it comes to explaining some of our features. Consider teething, for example. I’m sure every mother would agree that when it comes to nursing, the fact that babies are born toothless is very intelligent indeed. On the other hand, why does teething have to involve pain? It doesn’t hurt to grown fingernails or hair or toes. And why, oh why, do babies only teethe at 3 am?

Babies also tend to put everything in their mouths. I do not understand how we still have this trait after thousands of years of evolution, as it’s not very conducive to survival. Back in our cave days, a baby might end up grabbing and chomping a poisonous plant. These days it’s even worse: he might grab and slurp his toddler brother’s favourite Thomas train.

Then there’s the waking up all through the night thing. In a way, having to settle your baby several times a night is much like using a computer. You get an error (crying), try to investigate the cause (usually no discernible reason), and reboot (pat him off to sleep). I don’t know about you, but I can’t think of a single person who thinks computer operating systems are intelligently designed.

Having a baby wake up crying in the night can’t have been good for our ancestors either, as you’re not likely to survive long if you advertise your position to the local wildlife. Plus being sleep deprived can make mothers do dumb things (like hand the bottle to the husband and the beer to the baby) or dangerous things (like cutting a sandwich in half and forgetting to move your finger). Er, or so I’ve heard.

Humans can’t walk for almost a full year and so must be carried around. From a design point of view, this doesn’t seem very smart … unless the creator is also the patron saint of chiropractors, in which case it all makes sense. Humans can’t talk very well for ages either, and so to an inexperienced cave mother, “waaah!” could mean “Feed me!” or “I’m tired” or “Look out! You are about to be stepped on by a woolly mammoth!” and she’d not know the difference.

Our feet do not seem to have been designed with, nor have they evolved with a protective layer against Lego bricks. We have only two hands to deal with four bags of groceries, a toddler, a baby, a purse, a diaper bag, and a stroller. And in spite of what our kids sometimes think, we do not have eyes in the back our heads, and darn it, that would be a really, really handy feature.

So what about our origins? Where did we humans come from? Clearly, there is only one answer:

We were designed by a committee. After a lot of arguments. And at least one of the committee members had a very sadistic sense of humour.

 

 

* For the purposes of this column. For reals though, evolution. Science is a thing.

 

Child’s Play

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My living room on any given day. Image credit: Pixabay

They say you learn a lot about life, and yourself, when you become a parent. As the mother of four children, I can safely say that’s very true. I have learned many things over the past several years, and I’d like to share them with anyone out there who is contemplating becoming a parent.

Clothes: Pregnancy books and magazines make a big (ha!) production over maternity clothes. The idea is that you need a special (read: expensive) wardrobe to help you stay fashionable as you expand. This is nonsense. The time you really need a special wardrobe is *after* giving birth, to help you deal with spit-up, spilled milk and diapers. Think Teflon-coated. Think Scotchguarded. Think, yes, biohazard suit.

Diapers: If you’re not feeding them, you’re burping them, and if you’re not burping them, you’re changing a diaper. Non-parents often think that parents exaggerate ‘the diaper thing’ but just do the math: change a baby approximately every two hours, 24 hours a day, for an average of 10 diapers a day. Seven days a week, for six months… jumpin’ Jehosephat! That’s 1800 diapers already! Save yourself a ton of money and the local landfill a ton of space, and buy reusable cloth diapers. Washing diapers is no more icky than changing them and you’ll need the money you save to buy…

Ankle bandages: No matter how young they are, no matter how many times you tidy up in a day, there will be toys on the floor. And you will step on them. In an effort not to crush them and/or avoid severe plastic pokey bit perforation of your foot, you will twist one way or the other and thus wrench your ankle.

Arm strength: While pregnant, it’s a good idea to work on your upper body strength, particularly arm muscle tone. This is because you will have to lift your child no less than 347 times per day. You need to be prepared for both this, and the fact that your child is gaining weight at a rate well beyond what any fitness trainer would set for your Nautilus machine. You will also have to do at least 299 of your child lifts in the wee hours of the morning while half-asleep.

Arm strength 2: Figure on also having to carry at least 30 pounds of baby gear wherever you go. Children do not travel lightly, and at any given time you will need to have on your person: wipes, diapers, formula/milk, rattles, cereal, change pad, baby biscuits, eight changes of clothes (for you), changing pad, 10 changes of clothes (for the baby), more diapers, and toys.

Sleep deprivation: The pregnancy books all talk about preparing yourself for something called “sleep deprivation.” This term is deceiving — it makes it sound like you’re going to be a bit groggy every morning. Figure on not getting ANY sleep for the next, say, 20 years or so.

Strong stomach: If you’re the type that gets queasy easily, do not have children. Either that or prepare yourself for the sight (and feel) of pureed peas sneezed over a five metre radius.

Repetition: At all costs, stay away from electronic toys. This is not because the old toys are intrinsically better than the new toys. It’s because the electronic toys are not yet Internet-enabled and thus play only two tunes. Two. You will go mad listening to these same two tunes all day.

Weight loss: Getting back into shape after being pregnant is easy. Getting back into shape after being pregnant if you’re looking after a child, which, yes, goes kind of hand in hand with having been pregnant, is a whole ‘nother matter. This is because you will have sleepless nights and constant demands on your time during the day, and you won’t even have time for a sit-up, much less those Body Bounce classes you were taking last year. Also: it is one of life’s great cruelties that housework does not burn many calories.

Smiles and giggles: If you like this sort of thing, then parenthood is definitely for you. Children give them out freely, and it’s what makes it all so very worth while.

Even the sneezed peas.